Memoria
by Jugband Arnold
Summary: Angst. Angsty Angst. Don't read if you're the Shiny Happy People.
1. As an old Memoria

_I was asked to post this story on here. You might have read it before on Tumblr. Yep the same thing._

You step into the familiar coffee shop, take a quick look around, to realize that it's quite crowded, save one corner, the one spot that's always been a favorite of yours, and today noticing that spot is empty feels like a relief and a stab to your heart at the same time. You contemplate on why you made your way here on this sunny afternoon, with nowhere else better to go. You move towards the favored secluded corner of the little shop and sit in the booth, in your spot, once again. You observe the bustle around the shop and smile. It has changed so much over the years, the layout of all the chairs, the paint on the walls, everything save this spot. And you've been grateful, it's here, a constant of sorts. The old owner of the tiny shop realizes its you and gives you a bright smile and a nod, and you know she's gonna bring what you always order. What you've always ordered for roughly 15 years since you first set foot into this shop.

* * *

><p>It's the evening after the day your honeymoon ended. You remember Holly and you dragging all the luggage inside, leaving it on the floor downstairs, exhausted after the long flight home. Back to life now, all the excitement, nervousness dying down. Now, back to routine life. The two of you had decided unpacking could be done later, and had flopped on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, you take in a deep breath and close your eyes, taking it all in.<p>

This was it - bliss. With the woman you love by your side, back home, cozy, comfortable. It's all so perfect.

'So, this is it.' she says, and though you aren't actually looking at her, you know she's smiling. Just from the pitch of her voice, the way she's saying it, you know she's grinning that lopsided grin of hers. You know that. You can hear it.

'Yup. The best part of the marriage is over now.' you reply in your usual tone, dripping with sarcasm, and sure enough you find a pillow stuffed into your face.

* * *

><p>The owner brings your usual order of coffee to you herself, along side with a plate of a few donuts. She gives you a wink as she places it on your table. You've been her favorite, though you haven't visited here in a long time. She sees you're alone, and doesn't make a comment on it, for which you're grateful. You truly are. You've never cared much for her, but you know she looks out for you - whenever you're in the shop anyway.<p>

You grab the hot mug of coffee with both your hands, cupping the mug tight till you feel the heat almost burning your palms. You don't really care much about the pain - you're too busy staring through the glass walls of the shop, staring at the people outside walking up and down on the street, not so much giving a glance at you. Perhaps if you looked hard enough, she just might turn up in the shop, and join you.

* * *

><p>This particular booth, had always been yours. Well, technically, it was Holly's. She was the one who dragged you here, the first time. She had quite literally dragged you by the wrist, introduced you to the kind shop owner, and sat you down at this very booth. And so whenever the two of you did come round to this side of the town, you had always gone in, and sat at the booth that was naturally reserved for them. You remember that one time you had flashed your badge at this freckled teenager who was sitting in the said spot, and he fell over himself trying to get away from you, while Holly spent the rest of the evening doing two things - condemning you for scaring the poor kid, and laughing the teen's look of horror as you had flashed him your badge.<p>

'What did he think he was getting arrested for?' she questions between bouts of laughter. You just shrug, take a sip from your cup of coffee and eye the sandwich she always orders with utter distaste.

'How do you eat that cardboard?' you ask back, wondering how anyone could actually come to this sweet coffee shop and order an ordinary sandwich.

Holly goes on to explain in that verbose way of hers, how she loves the bread here, home-baked, the grain and the special wheat of the bread and so on. As you listen to her ramble about a sandwich, you realize that you're in love with this woman. You're so in love with this woman. The revelation strikes you out of the blue, and for the first time in a long time, it makes sense. It all makes sense. You're just in love with her. You come back to her going on about her special sandwich and smile as you take another sip from your coffee.

* * *

><p>The coffee still tastes the same. Same hit of caffeine, same aroma, you truly marvel at how this shop's changed over the years, yet the food tastes the same. It's all the same. Except you've changed. Things have changed, circumstances have changed. Everything that defined who you were the last time you were here, it's all different.<p>

You were a beat cop the last time you were here, now you're a respected and intuitive detective, where only the trickiest of cases were brought to your notice. You were happy then, blissfully happy, now - not so much. You had a ring on your hand the last time, now – a band of tender flesh where your ring used to be. You still have the memories though.

_Why are the memories sweeter when you look back on them._

You notice the date, and sigh. It's been 5 years, 5 years since the two of you signed those divorce papers.

It's been 3 years since you last saw her.

It's been 3 seconds since you last thought of her.


	2. Sweet Sweet Smile

It's never taken you 33 minutes to drink some coffee and hog down a few donuts, but here you are, 33 minutes later, still sitting at your favorite spot, staring at the other side of the booth, looking back on all the time you spent with her. Your coffee's gone cold, and you really don't want to leave, it feels too soon to leave the shop, even though you've taken longer than normal to just drink a cup of coffee.

You're still lost in thought, memories rather when you hear a familiar, almost calming voice, and it snaps you right out of your daydream.

'Hey!'

You look up to see her, it feels like some mind trick, except you know for sure it's her, truly, standing there and giving you a surprised and small smile. You know it's her, you can see she's changed her glasses, and except for that, she really hasn't changed much. She's still sticking her hands in her pockets unsure of what to do with them, still tilting her head to the right as she eyes you, taking you in. It takes you a minute to actually understand that she said something, and react to it.

'Hi.' you reply, smiling a little as she slides into the booth, sitting opposite to you, and you can see's a bit flustered herself, hair disheveled and falling lose around her shoulders, and you can see she's swallowing quite a bit of apprehension as she talks to you.

'I haven't seen you around in - in a while, you come here often?'

You play about with the cold mug in your hand, and consider her question for a moment, your smile slowly fading.

'Only about once a year.' you say offhandedly, trying to not give away the actual reason you do come in here. Then again - you realize she's going to piece together any minute now. She nods a bit, before she realizes it.

'Oh God, it's today?' she asks, with a bit of fake shock and you can't do much but shrug to affirm it.

'That's - that's an odd anniversary to celebrate.' she states, narrowing her gaze at you as she's frowning at that, and you haven't stopped fiddling with the mug.

'Not like I have any others to remember.' You finish dejectedly, and quickly take a sip of the cold liquid. It tastes horrid, but you really don't want to delve deeper into the memory that is this day.

She nods and looks around the coffee shop, as you with much difficulty swallow the last of the cold, disgusting coffee. You see that she's already nodded at the shop owner, who would soon bring her the usual - Coffee, with a side plate of her usual sandwich. Some habits do die hard.

'So, how have you been? It's been a long time since I last saw you.' she begins, with her attempt to revive the conversation.

'Good. Good.' you nod, finally gathering some courage to let go of the mug and look at her. The emotions that hit you as you see her, sitting across from you, trying to talk to you after what feels like so long - it feels awkward, weird even - but with this hint of familiarity, home and nostalgia.

'Last I heard you were dating Nick.' she says, and you immediately scoff at that. You hadn't really cared much about the rumorsthat spread after the divorce. Nothing you said was going to change what people were going to say, but you hadn't expected Holly of all people to believe that.

'Did you really believe that?' you ask,for the first time wondering what she was doing here today.

'No, but it was weird to think you had moved on.'

'Oh.' The two of you share a moment of silence, and you subconsciously decide to fiddle with the mug yet again. You see she's licking her lips, trying to manage the awkward conversation, nervously pushing her hair back, when you notice she's wearing her wedding ring. The realization stuns you, but you try to not give much away on your face.

_Why is she even-_

The kind shop owner sets down the cup of coffee and the sandwich and you both nod at her before she leaves you both alone again, in your little bubble of memories here.

She takes a sip of her coffee, and you remember the very first time you sat with her here.

'Do you remember the first time we came here?' you ask with a little smile, remembering that funny, giggling first time you had with her.

'You mean the first time I dragged you in here? Yes. You said that there were only three places you would ever step into - a donut place, a pizza place or an alcohol place. I had to bribe you with sex to get you in here!' she begins to ramble, and you cut in.

' I didn't believe in coffeeshops!' you laugh.

'And when you finally took a bite of that donut you declared this place too precious to eat at everyday, so this place was only for special days. '

'You can't deny that.' you try and stop her from rambling, but it's terribly hard to do without kissing her.

'And then you actually ate a dozen donuts sitting right there, without getting sick at all.'

You finally give up trying to getting her to stop. You're trying to not think about the ring, about what she's doing here, and just enjoy her company, after a long time.

She's finished her rambling, and you're smiling like a fool, feeling at peace after a long time. She starts laughing again as she picks up her sandwich and takes a bite of it.

'What?' you ask, learning you never really got over her infectious charm.

'It's just – this is supposed to be weird. '

'But…?'

'It's not. It's nice. I haven't seen you in what – 3 years?'

'Yeah.' You would have seen her 3 months ago, if you hadn't given the Police Department's Ball a miss – but you really really didn't want to go, and see her, and have your mother breathing down your neck about the divorce and everything at the same time.

'You ever wonder..' you start, trying to find the right words to finish that sentence as you can she see's listening intently to you.

'…what if things were different?' you finish, and you immediately regret asking that. Before she can reply, you phone goes off. You pull it out and groan as you check it. It's a message from Steve, reminding you break time is over and you had to head back to the station.

'Case?' she asks, looking at your annoyed and flushed face. You know she knows you inside-out, and she knows that the last question was more of a musing than an actual question.

'Yeah, stupid idiot thinks he's the Joker', you mutter back, stuffing your phone back in your pocket and getting the money out to pay for the food and coffee.

'That guy sounds crazy, you should be careful', she tells with that concern in her voice. You trying hard to ignore everything that's screaming she still cares for you, she still loves you, you know this isn't the time or the place to go into that.

'I'll be fine, Hol' you nonchalantly reply, pulling some change from your pocket, and getting ready to leave. You aren't ready to leave, but you assume it's for the best.

'I gotta go.' You tell her, as you place the money on the table and nod at her, biting your lip as you can feel it physically hurts to get up and go. She nods in silence, not knowing how to actually bid an ex-wife goodbye.

You realize this is it, and get up and start towards the door, wishing you didn't have this stupid case to deal with right now.

'Gail?' she calls out, and you turn around.

'You should come home sometime.' She says, and you consider what she says for a moment, giving her a smile.

'I'd like that.'


	3. And it was all yellow

It's been three weeks since the bumping into Holly at the coffee shop. Of course you didn't ask any further about the whole 'You should come home' line. You know it's Holly, being the sweetheart she always is, trying to find something comforting to say. Later that evening, after staring at all the evidence regarding the case, you had just given up and headed down to the bar with Traci. You knew you were on the way to downing some serious alcohol, and you were going to have to talk to someone.

Two shots in, you decide you're drunk enough to talk. Two shots, one right after the other that is.

'Woah, slow down there.' Traci warns you, as you're clutching the third shot in your hand,

'I met Holly today.' you reply, downing the shot and finally setting the glass down.

She just nods, understanding that this is a really tough thing for you to talk about.

'And?'

'She's good. Looks wearing the wedding ring.'

Traci just nods, looking down at her own drink, till the last bit of the statement catches her.

'What?'

'My thought precisely.' you reply, shaking your head, trying to make sense of it all. You're about to down the fourth shot, except you've got to catch your breath you get to that.

Traci's still unsure of what to say, going over something in her mind.

'You see her all the time don't you?' you ask bitingly, gulping down the next shot.

'Gail, I swear, I've never seen her wear it.' You know Traci would never lie to you, so you just brush it off.

'And in the end, she said I should come home sometime.' you reply, finally feeling all the alcohol hit your brain at once.

The two of you sit in silence, Traci finally drinking her own shot.

'I don't know what to make of it.' you say, 'I don't know what any of this means.'

'You could try asking her, instead of trying to poison yourself with alcohol.' Traci replies, not really knowing what else to say.

'Yes, but ' - you reply, picking up the fifth shot with your hand, -'it's a tried and tested solution. For everything!' you finish, drinking the fifth shot with a bit of difficulty. The first four shots really burnt your throat. The drinking last night didn't help much on that front either.

You know Traci's rolling her eyes at you, but you know it's for the best. She was going to have to drive you home at the end after all.

It's three weeks later now, and you finally managed to catch the serial killer, with a bit of nifty help from some DNA swept at one of the victim's house. Chloe's now the Superintendent, and in typical Chloe fashion, suggests a beach-front bonfire to celebrate the nab of the decade. You're sure you would have escaped this ordeal, if it weren't for some distracting talk from Traci, who while explaining to you all the stupidities of living with your brother, managed to drive you to the beach instead of home. You know she can feel your gaze burning her, but she just shrugs and says that you should just enjoy it, now that you're here anyway.

The overall idea is nice - cold beers, warm fire, on the dark windy beach at night, and you spend some of your time hanging out with the former rookies, and it isn't till you spot one of the forensic pathologists getting it on with one of the rookies that you realize that the Forensic Department was invited as well.

_Which means_

You're immediately looking around for Holly, wondering if she did come to this shindig - and after taking a recce all around the place and finding her nowhere - you assume she didn't show, and decide to head to the shoreline with a beer, and that is when you find her, sitting in the sand, beer bottle in one hand. You think about turning around and heading the other way, but you really can't leave her alone like that now.

'I didn't know the Forensics was invited to this.' you begin, making your way through the loose sand and standing next to her.

'Or you would have given this a miss?' she replies. You wince at that, assuming she caught you on the whole missing the Police Ball act. You sit down next to her, wondering if she is drunk. She does sound like it.

'What are you doing here? Party's way back there.' you point back, about half a mile away from where the two of you are.

'No coat-rooms on the beach.' she replies dryly, taking a sip from her beer. Yup, she's quite drunk.

'Ah.'

You both sit in silence, watching the waves lap up and hit the shore, the soothing sounds of the ocean, except for a few of the shouts from the camp, and except for that, and the sand sticking to all parts of your skin, it feels nice.

You see she's chugging down her beer quite quickly, sip after sip, and you're surprised she hasn't emptied the bottle yet.

'So,you were wearing your ring the other day,' you start, not really sure how else to bring up the topic.

'And I was hoping you would wear yours too.' she replies, taking another swig of her bottle. You're surprised as you hear that, it's as if -

'You knew I'd be there?'

She shakes her head and then gives in.

'Traci may have mentioned something about your ritual.'

'Wow, how many beers have you had?' you ask her back, deflecting the conversation. There's not enough alcohol on this beach to get you through this conversation.

'A - a few.'

'Really?'

'I don't know - 8?'

You laugh at that. No wonder she was answering all your questions. You decide perhaps the best way to spend the rest of the evening would be in silence. That was quite comfortable. The both of you are just taking in the silence, not really sure of what to say next.

'We weren't really the long-walks-on- the beach couple were we?' she asks, and you're surprised. Holly was the last person you expect to be asking that question.

'What?'

'Us? We weren't that romantic long walks on the beach couple.' she states, and you think about it.

'We were more of the take-out on the couch till we fell asleep couple.' you theorize, and wonder where she's going with all of this.

'Is that it? We were not romantic enough for marriage?' she asks, and you can feel the hurt in her voice, and you're wondering whether you should have sat down here at all. She sighs and leans into your shoulder, and you're trying to come up with an answer. As hurtful as it was, you really can't pinpoint what went wrong.

'I don't -'

Before you can finish, she gets up and starts walking away from you.

'Where are you going?'

'I'm going to take a walk on this beach and see what so damn great about it.' she replies in a tone that's both drunk and determined.

You snort, realizing this scene seems just too familiar. She's walking away from you, sauntering on the beach, getting her feet wet in the salty water of the sea. You take another swig of your beer and get up.

'Hol, Let me come with you.' you yell at her, catching up to her walking down the beach, away from the party.


	4. Static waves across the screen

You wake up from a really awkward position with a stiff neck and half your body numb, not to mention a slight hangover. It takes you a minute to realize you're not in your bed at home, and you're on someone's couch. You get and stretch a bit, finding a lot of sand sticking to your bare skin, itching almost. You realize where exactly you are - and that's a jolt enough to wake you up.

**Home.**

Holly's home, you correct yourself - and you're wondering how exactly you ended up here. This reeks of Traci's handiwork. Grabbing your phone and realizing it's 10:43 in the morning, you do find a message from Traci.

_Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, Sunshine._

You know Traci's going to be killed as soon as you see her. But now you had to manage being back here.

The whole layout of the house's different, the couch itself different and facing the other way, two new chairs added to the furniture, the walls painted a pale blue, the show cases on the walls quite bare - without all those photographs of the two of you. But there are some quirks of Holly's you can find in the room - stacks of papers laying about the room, sticky notes sticking out of folders and books, and all other things so tastefully Holly.

You rub your eyes and take a moment to get off the couch and decide to wash your face a bit before leaving. You're hoping Holly isn't up yet, she shouldn't be - Holly really couldn't deal with alcohol very well.

You look about the room, taking in the various details of the decor of the room, you notice one thing that really hits you hard.

_She's really tried to forget me._

You realize this as you remember how the show case originally was - covered with frames of so many photographs. You remember there was barely any space for Holly's degree - the whole case jam packed with photographs. It looks so bare now,quite breaking your heart. You notice how she got rid of the carpet, it used to really annoy her - but she kept it because you loved feeling the fuzzy material on your feet. The floor's bare now, no place for reminders of spilt wine or food on it.

_Too much information for 5 minutes into waking up._

You decide to stop pondering about everything, and wash your face off the sand sticking to it and head home. You tip-toe to the bedroom - till you see Holly bundled up in the sheets, hair all messy and blissfully asleep. Hopefully, she won't remember much from last night.

You step into the bathroom to turn on the sink tap, taking the cool water and washing the sand sticking to your arms and face. Wiping the water from your face, something shiny catches your eye. You know exactly what it is, and you pick it up - taking it with you to the dining table, and set up the coffee-machine in the kitchen.

You step back into the living room, taking a closer look at the show case. There are only two frames there - one of Holly's family - and the other - to your surprise, is of the two you.

You take the frame in your hand and smile at the picture. It was one of Holly's favorites - more loved than the wedding pictures. Snapped officially (and much to your dislike) by Dov, it's a picture of the two of you at the precinct, grinning at the camera for a surprise (you happened to be in an unbelievably good mood) and Holly loved it. She's sitting on your desk at the precinct, you in your chair with her arms around your neck and her head resting on the top of yours, holding you tight to the best she could in the awkward position. She always said it was one of the few pictures where you actually were smiling from the bottom of your heart.

You set the picture back and head back to the kitchen and pour yourself a cup of coffee, sit at the table and stare at the shiny piece of platinum you had just placed on it a while ago.

It's mental torture, staring at the glittering band, and you're quite equating it to Holly, and meeting her at the coffee shop the other 're actually staring at the ring, thinking it to be her. Why you make that equation - you don't really know.

You let go off the cup of coffee and pick up the ring, running your finger through the inner band of the metal, your skin running over the dents and fine work of the metal.

_What am I doing here Hol? Am I still in love with you? Or am I just grasping on to the familiar - fearing to venture into something else.._

You ponder on that thought for a second, and you hear Holly waking up. You hurriedly grab the coffee and gulp it half of it down. You set the ring back on the table, and scurry to the living room to grab your coat and rush out before she realizes you were there when she spots you- hurriedly pulling your jacket over your shoulders and almost out the door.

'Hey!' she says, in that sleepy voice you've always loved.

'Hey! I was just on my way out' you hurriedly reply, opening the door and stepping almost stepping out.

'Don't you want some coffee fir-'

'I had some. I gotta go.' you cut in, and she sees that you really want to just rush out of the house. She nods and you shut the door behind you and stop for a second outside the door, mentally cursing yourself for not handling that better.

Holly sleepily assumes that she was in a hurry - till she finds her wedding ring and the half cup of coffee on the table. She remembers Gail's hatred for actually talking about feelings, and decided to leave things at that.


	5. The glove compartment

It's a slow day at the precinct, a slow day for you. There was some huge op going on with Guns and Gangs - with nothing much for you to do. You really didn't have to come to the precinct today, but it's not like you had anywhere to go. After about 3 hours of aimlessly wandering about the precinct, you realize that you really didn't have to be there. After one final check in with Traci - who's busy running the op behind the scenes, you decide to go about your other new-found pass time, driving about the city aimlessly till you deemed it late enough to go home and fall on the bed and sleep.

You grab your stuff and head out of the station, and mindlessly trudge towards the car till you notice her sitting on the bench outside, waiting for someone, complete with a packed suitcase.

You hadn't really seen her for the past few weeks - after running out of her house at top speed. You could have just pretended to not notice her and gone your own way, but you can't do that. If it were anyone else, you would have just hopped into your car and driven off to nowhere - but it's her - and before you know it - you're standing in front of her, raising an eyebrow at her flustered face.

'Hey. I was waiting for Traci. My assistant was supposed to drive me down to the airport, but she bailed on me in the last minute so I asked if she Traci could -' she begins to explain, and you know Traci was in no way going to able to do anything of that sort, and now you know where exactly you're heading now.

'I'll drop you off.' you offer, as casually as you can, not really sure if you can really make it through a car ride with her.

'You sure? I can just get a cab -' she begins, but you wordlessly take her suitcase and drag it to your car and quite literally throw it in the back, while she walks over to the passenger seat of the car. You take a moment before you actually get in the car, wondering what actually possessed you to do that.

The drive to the airport is quite about 45 minute one - with all the traffic - and you don't really ask about how long she's got till her flight. You knew Holly was one of those people who always made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare, not one for hurrying at the last minute.

Your concentration is half on the road, half on making it through this car ride without spilling your guts to her. She doesn't seem to be keen on talking either, and save a few random questions about work down at the precinct; she doesn't seem to mind the silence.

Except fifteen minutes into the journey, the silence seems forced. You can feel it, the tension in the air, from questions longing to be asked and answered, and you're gripping the wheel tighter with each passing minute.

'Gail.' she begins and you can already feel your guard slipping. Badly.

'Hmm?'

'What is this?' she asks, a vague question, and you know what she exactly what she means, and you're in no heart to give in now.

'I'm driving you to the airport?'

'Not that.'

You internally sigh, you had hoped to go on forever without having this very conversation, and here it is. You do take a while to actually say something, not sure what to say or where to begin even, and you can feel her nervousness build up as you don't reply.

'Hol -' you finally give in and reply in an almost tired tone, sure enough - the thought of the last 5 years leaves you more drained than anything.

'I'm just curious - we never had a chance to talk about this.' she begins to ramble, sheer nervousness in her voice.

'Don't you think we should have had this talk 5 years ago?' you cut back, coming off sharper than you intend to. You see she's quite taken aback, but you know you didn't say anything that didn't need to be said.

'I was wondering what this means, Gail.' she replies, gesturing to you and the car, in that articulate way of hers.

'We magically run into each other 5 years later, you really think it has to mean something?' you finish in a tone more biting than you anticipated, and she gets the hint and falls back into the seat, giving up on the conversation.

The rest of the car ride continues in uncomfortable silence, and you really begin to hope you had stayed at the precinct. She's rummaging through the glove compartment of the car, looking through all the odds and ends that gathered in the box over the years, as you drive in silence, your nails digging into the lining of the steering wheel. As you near the parking - she gears up to leave, and for the first time you realize that the uncomfortable silence you just shared in the car with her was amongst the highlights of the last 5 years you had. In the parking lot of the airport, she hauls out her suitcase out of the car, and seeing her leave you (of sorts)- brings up a rush of feelings you didn't know you had.

You're standing next to her, suddenly wishing you had actually talked to her, when she pulls you in for a tight hug. You can feel her clinging hard to you, you're sure you are clutching her just as tight. Feeling her body close to yours, feeling her take a deep breath against you, you truly realize how badly you've missed her. She's the one to break the hug, and she nods at you before taking the suitcase and making her way to the terminal. And you join her, slowly walking with her to the check-in counter.

Spite all the bustle and noise of the airport, you notice how it all fades to background noise as you walk with her,and it's always been like . For all the chaos that's going on around the two of you at the busy airport, it all feels like silence, and just the two of you walking towards the counter.

Without asking, she takes a seat at one of the empty waiting area-benches, and you sit next to her, taking a moment to gather your thoughts.

'I think - I was an idiot, and you were an idiot' - you begin and she laughs a little at that statement.

'We were both idiots.' she replies and you nod, and wasn't that the truth.

'But I think that divorce was the best thing we could have done at that time, Hol.' you say, and she nods in agreement.

'And whatever this is - I think we both know where this road ends, Hol.' you tell her, for the first time noticing the lump you've got in your throat and that you're actually on the verge of tears. You lean against the back of the bench, trying to not lose it in a busy airport. In an attempt to change the conversation, you realize you didn't actually ask her where she was going.

'Where are you headed to?' you ask, and seeing the one suitcase, you assume it isn't for long.

'San Francisco. Convention for two weeks.' she replies, also trying not to think too much about the little talk you just had. She also sees that it's quite late, and it's time for her to check in.

'It's getting delayed a bit -' she says and you bid her goodbye and wait till she's out of your sight before going back to the parking lot.

Sliding into the driver's seat and slamming the door, you think over the conversation and think that it could have gone better. You slam your fist into the wheel, wishing you were better at voicing out what you felt, when you look to the glove compartment and remember a crucial bit of information. You lean over to open it, and pulling out the stacks of the papers, at the bottom of all junk that had gathered there, you find the little object you had thrown into the compartment a long time ago.

Your wedding ring.


	6. You don't want to be alone

It's too hot and it's too cold at the same time. You toss and turn in your bed, pulling and kicking at the sheets, hoping to find some sleep. It's one those nights - where everything you've done so far to distract you from thinking isn't distraction enough. Whatever you do, the thoughts come back and pierce right through you, and you can't ignore them anymore. How did you manage 5 days without thinking again about that drive - how did you?

You get up and decide you need something to distract you till you fall asleep again. That's it. Throwing the sheets off the bed, a glance at the clock tells you it's 2:04 am. So that was 72 minutes of shuffling your feet and trying to get to sleep. You turn on the television and fall back on the couch. You don't care to turn on any of the lights, the dim glow from the T.V is enough. You're flipping through the channels, all reruns of old shows and music no one listens to._Nope, not distraction enough._ You're supposed to be mulling over what happened, and trying to piece together what on Earth it was that has lead you back all the way to square one, and you can't do it. It's too insane, too twisted, too nostalgic and at times, too painful. Somewhere in your heart, you know that Holly's feeling exactly as you do - utterly perplexed about everything but continuously anxious that feelings were still fragile, tender and too quick to judge. It's like skating on thin ice, and you've both learned your lesson the first time round.

_Reruns of ._ You see Ross lying desperately in wait for his girlfriend to call - and then deciding to surprise said girlfriend by turning up at her doorstep in London. In typical sitcom fashion - the girlfriend turns up back at home. You snort at that, if life's taught you anything - it's that there's no way in hell is it a sitcom. No way ever is the woman you're craving for right now going to turn up at your door, asking for another chance to get this right.

You stare at the phone that's thrown on coffee table and bite your lip.

She could call.

For once, you wish your life was a corny sitcom, and by staring at the phone, she would call you and you would hear her sweet voice again.

You remember all those times, years ago, times you were as bad as Ross, hanging on the telephone, almost combusting waiting for her to call. The rush of nerves, the never ending worry of what if I did something wrong, the willful hope that she'll call you at the end of the day no matter how bad her day was. Phones had changed, you didn't have to hang on to them anymore - and yet here you are - full circle later - willing the phone to ring yet again.

_Ha. Even Ross had better luck than me._

You could call her.

You mentally laugh at the thought. And say what is the first counter thought that comes up in your head, you're lost for words. Say what indeed. It's been years since you had a decent conversation with her, and the very first time you do - you're back -

The phone starts ringing you jerk upright, all the sleep in your bones disappearing. You quickly snatch the phone off the table, wondering who could possibly call at 2 in the morning and you stare at the number flashing on the ID looks international. Debating whether or not to pick it up for 15 seconds, a mental list of all possible people it could be flashes through your mind. Telemarketers don't call at 2 am.

"Hello?" you ask, wondering who could it be.

"Hi."

That voice that falls on your ears, it fills every inch of you with joy, and you're smiling so much, you can't help it. This must be bliss. The warmth that wraps itself around you, the tingle you feel in your toes, all from that one word she mouths.

And then you're on your guard. Did something go wrong?

"Is everything fine?" you ask, immediately worried.

"Yeah - I just wanted to talk to you." comes her swift reply, and you then relax. You also realize your little wish that she would call came true. That feels glorious as well. _Finally a win_.

"Oh okay." you slowly reply, thinking over every word you say a million times. You don't want to do anything to screw this up. Not when it feels so precious.

"Yeah." you can hear her frustration, you can picture her pretty well in your head, her fingers on her forehead, mentally building up the nerves to talk.

"Umm Okay then."

"Yeah - Hi!"

You laugh at that. She was still a nerd at heart, the awkwardly adorkable nerd of yours. You know she's not as riled up as she was when she began the conversation, your laughter breaking the ice of sorts.

"Let me guess -you had a beautiful excuse made up." you tell her, you know she can feel the joy in your voice.

"I did, I did." she replies, you're notice that you're gripping the phone tightly, as if it were her. "I just wanted to clarify something about what you said the other day."

You're racking your brain, trying to remember what it is that you told her.

"Hmm Mm." you reply, wondering if she knew it was about 3 am in Toronto, and it was probably not too late in San Francisco.

"You said 'We both know where this road ends.'", and your heart sinks. This wasn't going to be a happy conversation now.

_So much hope for the sitcom theme._

"Well – I" you begin, not really sure what you want to say.

"I wanted to say that it doesn't mean we didn't enjoy the walk."

"What?"

"I'm saying we had our good times Gail, we can't write it all away just because of – you know -"

"The fact we're divorced?" you state out loud. You're cursing yourself for that – it was a bad habit – but saying it out loud over the years is how you accepted the fact that it was all over. Clearly Holly dealt with it in a much more childish way.

"That.", comes her reply over the phone and you laugh again. Trust your dorky ex-wife to be too terrified to say the word.

"Holly." You sigh and you stop to think of what she just said.

"Sooo?" you hear her drawl over the phone.

"Doesn't it sound insane Hol? I mean –"

"Oh it is stupid. It's the very definition of insanity according to Einstein" ,she begins rambling, and you lean back on the couch and smile. If only this phone call could go on forever.

" But", she continues "it doesn't mean we don't care enough to not try again.".

You run your tongue over your lower lip and smile. Oh your smooth talking nerd.

"So, can I see you when I get back? Please?" she finishes, and you can't help yourself. Not this late in the late, when you're feeling so vulnerable and waiting for her.

"Okay."


	7. Is this the place we used love?

_Wow. What fast righting_.

Of course you can't meet her as soon as she gets back. You are swamped with work - and you're really hating all the paperwork of dealing with murders, testimonies - etc etc. If there was a part of busting cold-blooded killers you absolutely hated - it's the freaking paper work. And all its nonsensical necessities of being submitted at particular times exactly. Ugh.

In fact you can't get ahold of her for 2 days, seemed like she was swamped at work as well. You hate to say you had been dreaming about meeting her at the airport - and she would rush into your arms and everything would be alright once again. How glorious that would have been - except for life getting in the way.

Not surprisingly - the two of you are invited to the McSwarek anniversary bash. You had also been dreaming about completely missing the celebration of two people so sick in love with each other - but Holly said that would be earliest she would be able to meet you. And for that very reason,

here you are - eyeing the lovesick couple of the evening with absolute disgust, chugging down wine, trying to not be the bitter divorcee at this bash. It's planned out exactly like a reception - black tie and all that jazz, and you really couldn't have cared less for any of that - but you were going to meet Holly - so you wore your best dress, or the best dress you cared to own, made yourself pretty for the sake of actually wanting to look your best, and sure enough - you look stunning.

No sooner than you finish that thought she steps into the huge ballroom and you're nervous all over again. It absurd - when you think about it, but seeing her in her own gorgeous attire, she looks amazing. She spots you, gives you a smile of relief and she makes her way towards you - except so does the whole crowd in the room. Apparently it was time for dinner.

That was good - no need to jump into conversation immediately. You stretch your hand towards her and she takes it with a little blush. What you wouldn't give to dance with her now.

All the places in all tables in the room have little placards with names on them. You're soon going to throw-up with the amount of detail on all this mushy stuff, but now you just want to find your seat and share a little drink with Holly. Only that you can't find yours or Holly's 'seat' anywhere.

_This is getting infuriating. _

You finally grab Traci by the arm and fiercely whisper in her ear, asking her where on Earth they were seated. She, however, gives you a little wink and points to the coatroom.

_What?_

You're still holding on tight to Holly's hand, and you tell her what Traci just did. She gives you a puzzled look, but she pulls you along to see what exactly it was that Traci meant. And as you step into the coatroom and take a look around, you're thanking Traci on her underhand work.

There's a tiny table set up in the coatroom, with two chairs, precisely a glass and a whole bottle of champagne -and of course the tiny placards with your names on them.

Holly's laughing at the setup, she let's go of your hand and moves towards the table, running her finger over the placard, smiling fondly as she does.

"Traci." you huff out with a little sense of pride with your friend. You owed her big time for this.

"She really remembered her maid of honor speech." she replies and you laugh as you remember Traci's elaborate speech. She sits down at the table and you take a moment to calm your nerves and join her at the table. She smiles and pours you a drink, and then proceeds to take a sip right from the bottle.

_Just like last time._

You laugh and take a sip from your own glass, and realize you're pretty much cut-off from the rest of the celebrations, and now you finally have what you've been yearning for the past few months.

And it's now when it hits that you have no idea what you want to say. There are so many questions to be addressed, so many things you want to ask her, and absolutely none of them are coming to you. Damn. You look at her and see she's just as nervous as you are, running her fingers over the outside of the cold bottle. She isn't even looking at you - and you can understand why._ But didn't she want to see you?_

"So, we need to talk." she finally says, perhaps she was waiting for the alcohol to hit her brain.

"Yes but how?" Woah. You did not see that coming. Perhaps you're a little too drunk to than you think you are.

She thinks about it for a minute before finally coming up with an awkward solution.

"How about you ask a question and I reply and then I one and you reply?" you smile at that. You just want to hug her tight for being so adorable - but you there are so many things to be talked about.

"Hol, we're adults - I think we can manage a conversation without making it a childish game" you begin and before you know it her reply comes right back.

"If history's anything to go by Gail, we suck at communication."

You consider the statement for a moment before realizing it is true._Stupid game it is then._

"Fine." you frown, and you can see the little joy in her eyes.

"Your turn first." she says, taking another sip from the bottle. You're trying to come up with all the questions that have been haunting you for so long, but seeing her, sipping her bottle only reminds you of the last time, and you're slowly rubbing your nails on the grain of the wood under the table.

"Why did you come to the coffee shop that day?" _Yes, that was a good question._ A better question would have been why she was pretending to bump into you when it was actually a calculated move.

You can see she's going over the question in her mind, and you're staring at her lips, out of lust or impatience - you can't really tell.

"I wanted to know how you were doing. I saw you every year at the Department Ball and I knew you were there – you were okay - and then one year you just stopped coming. I wanted to know - if you were seeing anyone new." comes her pained reply.

You already want to jump to the next question - but you remember that it's her turn.

"Why did you run out that morning?" she asks, and you internally curse yourself for that. You hadn't really thought about it all. You think back to that morning, and recall seeing the place that you once called home so unfamiliar and cold. It felt so unlike the memories you had at that very house.

"I thought you didn't want me there." you reply, knowing that's the closest to the truth you could manage to get yourself to.

"Why didn't you just ask me if I was seeing anyone?" you ask, it is your turn again.

"Because I didn't hear a thing from you the day after we signed the divorce papers! You vanished into thin air. You clearly didn't want to have anything to do with me." she says, and you already ask the next question.

"Isn't that how divorces work?" you cut back. Oh dear. So much for the sweet setup.

"My question." she calmly replies and you calm down a bit, no point getting flustered about this now. You lean back in the chair and decide to see where this is going.

"What were you doing with my wedding ring that morning?"

"Why were you wearing your wedding ring when you met me at the coffee shop!" you retort back and for the first time you think that perhaps this wasn't a good idea.

The two of you look at your drinks, you at your glass and she at the bottle and consider what just happened.

"This was fun, like always." you say, taking a sip from your glass.

She gives you a slight nod, biting her lips and gets ready to leave. No. Not again. You're just sitting there, looking at her go, and - again - it's breaking your heart. _We've come full circle haven't we._

She steps out to the ballroom, and you're beating yourself up all over again.

You close your eyes and think about what just happened. Isn't this pretty much what led to divorce the first time? You've come this far, and here you are - making the same mistake all over._ Wow, you've grown. _

You gulp down the rest of the champagne and realize you aren't ready to do this again. You're not going to do this again, you're going to do this right this time. You get up and decide to catch up to her and try to talk it over once again.

You're about to step out when she comes back and back and bumps into you.

In the narrow passageway leading to the door, she's a little breathless and so close to you. You can feel her take little breaths, and as if out of habit you run your fingers on the bare skin on her arms. You're looking right at her, and everytime you do look at her, you think about why you love her, why she was the only person who could ruin your life but you couldn't care less.

"We were doing the same thing again, weren't we." she whispers, and you really can't take it anymore.

You grab her face in your hands and kiss her hard, feeling her soft lips on yours after so long, it's a mixture of pain and bliss, and you're giving into it. This feels so new yet familiar,and right now, the world and logic can wait.


	8. All alone at the end of the evening

_Where were we?Here we are._

_Debby you give me life. All you reviewers - I love you._

Right now, you don't care anymore. You can't really. Not when you're kissing her as you do, almost slamming her into the closed door of the coatroom. You don't care she broke your heart once, not when you can feel her moan into your mouth. In this haze, it doesn't matter that you've been apart for so long, when you're running your hands under her dress shirt, feeling her bare skin in your hands once again. It doesn't hurt so much, not when she's here, in your arms, where every movement of yours elicits these sighs from her. The very way she's reacting to you everything you do makes you forget everything. In this moment - she's not the woman you lost and you're not the person she left. Right now - the past doesn't matter. All you want to do have your way with her, and for one night, just one night, be a happy person. Tomorrow is a great day to regret today - but now - you just want to see her gasp from your touch and to hear her voice moan your name.

She doesn't say anything, though she's moaning everytime your hands run over her breasts, a glorious sound, and you're about to pull her shirt off when there's a knock at the door.

_Just my freaking luck._

You both stop what you're doing; this ends with you resting your head on her chest. Both of you are panting from your little session, and for a moment the two of you just stand there, catching your breaths. You don't want to move away from her, but when there's a second impatient knock at the door, you really have to stand up and set your dress right. You finally get off her and see that can't really stand herself, she's still leaning against the door, her hair all messed up and legs still trembling. Seeing her, you really want to kill the idiot that's outside banging on the door. With shaky hands, she sets her shirt right and you to realize your makeup's really quite messed up. You can't really say anything to her, you're still on an edge, quite prepared to lunge at her if the idiot outside isn't standing at the door anymore. After taking long enough, she finally picks up the purse she had, the one she had dropped when you started to kiss her. Slowly - the high you were reaching towards wears off, and your thoughts begin to come clearer, not clouded by passion and the heat of the moment.

She seems to be still aroused, a sight which never ceases to turn you on. _Oh this is a vicious circle._

Finally when there's a yell from the otherside of the door you realize that this would have to be continued later.

She fixes those brown eyes of hers on yours and softly whispers, "Come back home." Before you can ever respond she opens the door and rushes out, leaving you slightly aroused and very anxious to get to her home as soon as you can.

She rushes past Dov, who was apparently the idiot at the door, and boy you were going to have your revenge on him. As soon as you got some fun tonight.

It takes you about half an hour to literally rush through the roads and get to her home. She clearly left in her own car so here you are, mindlessly driving, your foot never leaving the accelerator, and after almost falling out of your car after bringing to a halt, surprisingly you make it to the front door in one piece.

You can see she's already home, probably because she was an even more rash driver than you, and you're almost assaulting the doorbell, waiting for her to come.

_Come on!Just this one night._

You immediately remember where she hid a spare key (a safe place you had taught her), and after fumbling with that, you step into the house. Shutting the door behind you, you see her shoes haphazardly thrown on the floor.

_'Wasn't she in a hurry'_ you think to yourself and chuckle, stepping into the living room. And again - everything you tried so hard to forget about tonight is back right in your face.

This was your house. And looking around the place, you realize there is actually no sign that you ever lived there. You remember waking up on the couch the other day, seeing how different everything was, the bare showcase, the bare atmosphere damn it all felt so bare. So lifeless. So - mentally crippling. In reality it wasn't that bad - but in your memories - this was such a different place - so lively and homely. A place where you loved your wife. There was this lounge chair you loved relaxing on, and everytime Holly felt like her day was terrible, she would curl into your arms and you would just hold her. The lounge chair itself was nowhere to be seen, but was replaced by two little chairs. You had noticed that the last time as well. But the memories hadn't really assaulted you this bad last time.

You can't move at all. You're just standing there, all the excitement that was in your body a few seconds ago replaced with sadness.

"Gail? Is that you?" you can hear her call from the bedroom.

"Yeah!" you reply. You could just stop thinking and go up to the bedroom.

You could. You just freaking can't.

Soon, she comes down to see what's wrong. All she's wearing this black robe, and she looks stunning in it. Why can't your brain just shut up and for once let you have what you want.

"You alright?" she asks, worried if something is wrong.

"This isn't home Hol." you reply, and for some reason, you just want to run away again. Just as you did. You feel like something's choking you, and you're breathing harder, each breath you take making your heart physically ache everytime.

She grabs you by the shoulders, making you look directly at her. If it were anywhere else, you would have probably kissed her, she looks stunning as she always does. She's tilting her head at you, and everything you're feeling is clashing and you just don't understand it anymore.

"You've clearly tried so hard to forget me, and this - this doesn't make sense anymore." you finally own up - and shove yourself away from her grasp, and walk towards the door. Before opening the door, you turn back to look at her, and she's stunned and doesn't know what to say. You don't want her to get the wrong idea. You want to see her again, this isn't you leaving her is you trying to take a step back from the situation and taking every aspect into consideration before leaping head first again.

"Shouldn't we talk?" she asks, and you nod furiously. You should most certainly talk. But not here. This place holds too many sweet memories for you, and it's so different - you just can't.

"We should. Cafe tomorrow at 4?" you finally reply, hoping she says yes. Hoping she doesn't take you rushing out again as a sign that you don't love anymore.

She nods, trying to accept that you two had to talk first.

You slowly nod, and turn to open the door, ready to leave. Before shutting it behind you, you see she's walking towards the door, to secure it behind you.

"Goodnight Hol." you tell her, suddenly feeling extremely sheepish. She smiles a bit and pulls you in for a tight hug, and softly whispers in your ear again.

"Reach home safe Gail."

She finally lets you go, and you don't move till she's completely shut the door. After she does, you take a deep breath, not realizing you had been standing with bated breath for a while. As you do, you finally realize what you just did.

_Oh you idiot._


	9. See all the colors in disguise

_Oh reviewers. Oh sweet Debby._

You arrive on time at the cafe; you weren't going to let anything get in your way today. You step out of the car and slam the door behind you, taking a quick look at the cafe. You see she's already there, in the booth the two of you always deemed yours. You take a minute to think clearly.

Whatever happened in there - you were going to make sure she knew one thing, that you loved her. Even after all these years, you still love her and whatever little squabble the two of you would land in this time - you were going to make sure you came out of that cafe with her in your arms.

For once - you were going to be sane and not immature, and you are going to have an adult conversation with her.

_Oh this should be interesting. _

You linger a minute longer, still standing next to the car. You can't understand why, why you couldn't move on from her, why years later - you still hadn't moved on. She had this hold over you, and seeing that she's in there, fidgeting slightly, waiting for you - the feeling must be mutual.

That's precisely how you end up 5 minutes late to meet her, and after shaking out all those thoughts, you step in to the coffeeshop. As always, seeing this place gives you this slight smile of happiness - you can't peg why - but it does. This was a haven of sorts for you - a place you came to when alcohol felt inadequate to help you cope. A happy place - that's what it's called. You weren't bitter in the present when you came here, this place sort of cleansed you of all that. Just seeing the bustle around you gives you this sense of comfort, and here is where absolutely nothing could wrong.

Or so you hope.

You finally put your head down and make your way to the booth, she was sitting on her side, back facing the door and you slide into your side. This is how it always was. Or how it's supposed to be.

"You came." she sighs, relieved.

"Of course I did, why wouldn't I?" you reply in surprise, shaking out of your coat.

"I was just worried - you freaked out or something -"she begins explaining - and you realize her fears were rational. After all - you did kiss her last night and then freaked out when you got home.

You're about to apologize for said freaking out - when the kind coffeeshop owner comes over and sets down both your orders, effectively making her rambling stop. Apparently she gave in your order as well. The old owner sets down two cups of coffee, her usual side of sandwich and your usual - doughnuts. She gives you a wink as she places everything on the table and wordlessly leaves you both. That's kind why you liked the old lady. She was kind - but never stuck her nose in anyone's business.

You smile back at her as she leaves the table, taking your cup of coffee to give it a stir. Holly does the same, except for the first time you see how nervous she is. Her fingers are trembling as she grips the spoon, you note how she's hardly breathing, as if that would trigger something as she would lose her cool.

"You okay?" you ask, genuinely worried. She seems so anxious, as if her nerves were fraying, her face some sort of calm facade hiding all this anxiety.

"Hmm Mmm." she replies, tight-lipped and you know it won't take much for her to give up. This isn't good.

She picks up the sugar pack with trembling fingers, and you're trying so hard to not notice, and get on with your own coffee. You can feel the tension in the air as you try to not see how obviously anxious she is.

Sure enough, she spills half of the sugar outside the cup and from the look of surrender on her face, the way she closes her eyes in annoyance and you know she's losing it. You can't take it anymore yourself, you get up and slide into the other side of the booth, next to her and put an arm around her as she just silently crashes her head into your shoulder.

"I'm sorry." you finally tell her, for what - you don't really know. For making her this anxious?For the divorce?For rushing out yesterday?For everything?

"I'm just so worried Gail." she finally blurts out, muttering into your chest, as you hold her tighter.

"What if we can't ever be together? What if we're just meant to be apart. What if -" she starts rambling again, and you softly shush her, calm her down.

"Hol, it's Ok. It's ok, relax." you softly tell her, rubbing your hand over her arm, hoping she calms down. You know she did tend to exaggerate things her mind. After a few minutes, she does begin to calm down, but you aren't ready to let her go. So, the two of you just sit like that, for a long time, enjoying the silence and each other's presence.

It's probably quite late, the coffees must have gone cold again, but you don't care. Sitting with her in your arms, while the rest of the cafe carries on with its business, gives you the peace you've been longing for for quite some time. Neither of you want to move, not at all. After what seems like long enough, you finally gather the courage to tell her stuff you want to say.

"I stopped coming to the Police Ball," you begin, and you can tell she's listening.

"I couldn't stand to see you with those dates you brought." you finish.

"I had no idea who they were." she replies and you laugh a little. She did turn up with a different one each year.

"I swear! They were lame set-ups from Lisa- who I couldn't fight off . I didn't even ask their names!" she assures you, and you brush it off. It doesn't really matter now, after all.

"I wanted to see you again because - I - woke up one day and realized it was so long since we signed those papers but I still was hoping you'd come home." she confesses. And you're surprised at that.

"Wow." you sigh, that was - _wow_. Sure, there were many days that you wanted to go home and just say that you wanted her back but you had always thought she had moved on. That you were the only one hung up on her.

"Did you have to get rid of all my stuff?" you ask, try to bring some levity to the situation.

She laughs at that, and you're sort of glad.

"I thought it would help. Clearly I was wrong." she replies and you shake your head at that. How could anyone live there it was all so lifeless.

"You could have tried with the ring first." you suggest._ Are you actually giving her suggestions on how to forget you?_

"That - I couldn't do. That would mean actually taking you out of my life."

"As opposed to actually signing divorce papers?"_ For once could your brain not snap back like that._

"We both signed those papers Gail." she reminds you gently and you sigh. Yup - sure enough you both did.

Silence falls again, and it for some reason - it feels better now.

She's still in your arms, and you still don't want to move an inch, but it's late. She realizes this and slowly stirs, sitting upright and smiles her lopsided grin back at you. For once, you feel at peace with yourself, and the universe and it feels like finally a load's been lifted off your chest.

"So...?" she asks - as if she doesn't know what it is she wants to say and you raise an eyebrow at her.

"What is it we are doing here?" she asks and you consider it for a minute.

_Yes, what is it we are doing here._

After getting back to the precinct very late and reaching home even later, you don't really care about throwing off your clothes, you just want to rest on the couch for a minute before flopping into bed. You see there's a missed call from Holly on your phone and you chuckle a little as you call her back.

"Hey!" you begin.

"How was your day?" she asks, realizing that she really hadn't asked anything about that at the coffeeshop.

"It was ok."you tiredly reply. "Met up with the ex-wife."

"She sounds nice." you hear over the phone and you laugh at that.

"Oh you have no idea."

_Now how do I continue this...?_


	10. Past fuckery

_So this sprung from the amalgamation of ideas that people gave me so, yeah._

_Ooh jumping timelines again. La di da. _

_Debby my love, Luce! Shh!_

You're lazing in the precinct, feet up on the table, eyeing the ceiling - thinking deep about things tonight. You had an extremely clear idea of what you wanted to do with her and thinking about that any longer, you're probably going to go insane with desire. The pressing question was however - how were you going to do that - when you're terrified of entering her house, for the fear of being assaulted by memories that really put you down.

* * *

><p>You step into the bedroom, and you know tempers are still high and your palms are sweating, and you really should have waited. And for the life of you, you don't understand why you step into the bedroom. The tension in the room is high, you can feel it as you tread into the room, barely breathing and riled up. You rub your palm over your face, trying to calm yourself down. You shut the door behind you as you step into the bedroom, leaning on the back of the door, trying to take a moment and simmer off.<p>

You see she's sitting up on your bed, leaning against the back of it with her knees propped on the mattress. She's looking at you with anger and annoyance, and you're eyeing her with cold disregard. You run your tongue over your bottom lip, head still hard against the door, trying to find some words to say.

It's late, really late - and you've got a shift in the morning. So, you're trying to not stir things up again - this argument was going to have to be continued later.

You're standing there, pushing back your hair with your hands, wiping some sweat from your brow as well, shifting your feet and twiddling with your fingers so much - doing anything to just dispel all this energy. It isn't enough really - you're biting your lip, rubbing your eyes only to make them more sweaty and irritated, trying to choke back this lump in your throat (but it doesn't go away really.) You're looking at her, and trying to calm down. If anything - she could calm you down, she's probably the only soul who could calm you down, but she's so pissed at you. And for the first time you think that maybe you should have stayed down a little longer. Perhaps you should have come upstairs later, when you were completely drained of all this anger and tired enough to just hit the bed. Like you always did. And this was becoming quite a habit indeed.

Perhaps you should have done that - maybe things would have gone so different if you had just waited, if patience was just a virtue you had possessed, maybe things would have gone so very differently. Things would have been so extremely different, but you're here now, staring her straight in the eye, and she's looking back at you right in the eye as well.

The tension lasts for a while, she's waiting for you to say something, and you're waiting for her to say anything. But neither of you utter a word - so you're just standing there, staring at each in silence, waiting for the other to break.

_When has patience ever been a virtue of yours._

You give in first, and you push back your hair again with both your hands, not really sure what to do with them, and mouth the words that proceeded to haunt you for a long time.

"This was fun, like always." you mutter, not really sure where you got the line from.

You see her take a sharp breath and close her eyes, and again, you're not sure why, but you push yourself off the back of the door and towards the bed. Were you that tired? Was the argument really that draining? You don't really know.

"Gail, I think you should probably go."

You can't understand how you know it - that tone of finality in the statement, the pain with which she says it, the emphasis on the word "Go", the way her head hits the back of the bed as she finishes that statement - and for the edge you are already on, that was probably the final shove you needed.

You take it in, swallow those words - and they echo a bit in your head for a minute, it feels like someone bashed a crow bar into your head, the words just jarring your head and you slowly stumbled out of the room, feeling too dazed to look back as you shut the door behind you.

* * *

><p>You shake your head, trying to get the memory out of your head, but you know it's going to play out in your mind anyway. Picking your feet off the table and sitting up right, you come back to your original problem i.e. where you were going to take your ex-wife for the night - not the average problem you've faced before.<p>

Your home?

Pfft - if it was a place you never cared about. It was a roof above your ahead, a place to come to sleep, and a place too ill-kept to care. Nope, no way were you going to take her there. Nada.

* * *

><p>It's very late - that's probably all you know. It's late. That's time enough. Your how-manieth drink? That's not a care right now. You're just kicking back drink after drink, anything to drown out that voice in your head. Which doesn't seem to be shutting up. The next part of the story was filled into by Traci, who had come by after you drunkenly called her at 4:17 in the morning. Your phone suddenly begins to ring loudly - and you manage to pick it up just before it ends.<p>

"Holly!" you yell out,_ wow - how drunk are you. _

"Gail where are you?" you can hear the concern in her voice, and _yay the alcohol's working_ so you it just slips right over your head.

"We should get a divorce!" you shriek, probably way too loud.

Traci's looking at you in horror and you're too drunk to even realize what you just said. You can hear barely hear Holly telling you to get home soon as Traci pulls the phone from your hand to tell Holly to relax a bit and that she would be bringing you home soon.

The next morning you don't really remember much of the previous night, so you don't understand why she isn't there at home, when you wake up. And you're late as hell for your shift.


	11. All made of glass

_Debby my love. Best was Mimitash tho._

Something wakes you up, it stirs you and you're awake and all that just happened replays in your head, making you smile. You shift slightly to see if she's still asleep, which she is - and you settle in this favorite position of yours, her soft breathing tickling the back of your neck, with her hands wrapped protectively around your bare waist, holding you close to her. The hotel room itself is dark and dimly lit from some little light from outside, almost enough for you to make out the outline of the various furniture in the room. Through the glass wall of the room, the city lay spread out, and if you squinted hard enough you could make out the bustle of the late night traffic. The air in the room itself is still and silent, and with the bed so soft and cozy, this was bliss. You could make out all the clothes strewn about the room, and the smile that was plastered on your face since you woke up still hasn't left you. You think back on the conversation you had had with her to convince her to get here - she was very skeptical about the whole 'hotel room' idea but after the clothes were off she hadn't minded so much.

"A hotel room Gail?"

"A room at The Ritz."

You remember her looking at you amused and amazed - as if who in their sense would even do that. But it was the only thought that had occurred to you - somewhere that wasn't as shabby as your own apartment, somewhere that wasn't going to make you rush head first out the door like Holly's house.

She understands though, giving that look of acceptance, not really sure of what to expect from you anymore. So, she agrees, admittedly this wasn't something the two of you had ever done, all eager to try something new and different.

* * *

><p>You've crashed at Traci's for about a month, Traci who's been your rock thus far. Not that you notice it. Everything seems to be just happening and you're just going with it - too confused about what you feel to protest. You had told Traci right outside the lawyers' to leave you alone for now - and she did - knowing that you probably needed the space. You just walk a bit from there - not really caring if you're going the right way. Did it matter anyway? Any way you went - home wasn't going to be there. For the past many days - anger and self-righteousness was what was coursing through your veins, and after being too damn angered to even look her in the eye, you just coldly signed the papers, as did she. You don't know if she was eyeing you in desperation, you know you're close to doing the same - but you're too proud to. But the minute you stepped out of the building, this air of finality set, and it ultimately comes to you. What you've just done - what you've just signed away all replaces the annoyance and it's hard to process. You're just aimlessly walking through the busy streets, not really caring for all the people you bump into, and after going so far that you don't really know where you are - you just stop walking, your thoughts making it too hard for you to carry on. Your shoulders are drooped, your coat pockets heavy from the papers you're carrying, papers you suddenly want to throw away.<p>

It takes you a long time to realize you're in the midst of this busy walkway - people just walking about you, not giving you a second glance - and the world seems a colder place than it was. You also realize that you're not too far from the coffee shop. It wasn't a place that was special in your memories - it was just that - a coffee shop. But in your mind, you've just got nowhere to go. You don't know why exactly - but you suddenly want to go there immediately - you push your way through the crowds and almost rush to get there. You don't stop to think why. Thinking was just slowing you down, was just holding you down. After almost running through the streets, you stop outside the little coffee shop - and you're scared to go inside. What if she wasn't there? Why would she be there? She wouldn't. She wouldn't. Your thoughts run into each other as you make your way to the side, to stop outside the shop, next to the glass wall near your booth, and she not surprisingly - she isn't there. And for the first time - you tell yourself what you pacified yourself for the next five years - she wasn't going to be there when you wanted her to be there. You've divorced her. There are papers right in your pocket to prove just that.

* * *

><p>The thin bed sheets are bundled up in places, but you don't care. She's sitting up on the plushy mattress, her dark long legs inches away from your grasp. She's talking about something funny, her laughter filling the room and this twinkle in her eye making you only more hungry for round two. Clothes had been discarded all around the room what seemed ages ago, and you don't care. You're lying your side, head resting in your propped up hand, looking at her, and your other hand slowly running up and down, over her skin on her thigh, ready to pull her close anytime, but for now, you're just basking in the moment, just soaking all this in.<p>

She finishes her little tale, and silence overtakes the room, and you're about pull her close and just have your way with her all over again, when she so slightly moves forward and runs her fingers through your hair, probably something she had been wanting to do for so long.

"What do you think went wrong?" you ask her, something you've known for quite some time now, but you never asked her what she thought about it.

"I don't really know Gail, we somehow morphed from this way-too-young couple to two strangers who just lived together." she trails off, still playing with your hair, probably not wanting to go too deep into all that. You can see the regret on her face as well, the way she's avoiding your eyes, just continuing to run her fingers through your hair.

"Do you regret marrying me Hol?" you ask, wondering and hoping what her answer could be.

Her eyes immediately look right into yours, and it fills your body with this joy, this nervous energy you never knew what to do with.

"I regret how things ended Gail, never that I married you." and her answer fills your heart again, it had felt really empty for quite some time.

"Do you think it would have been better if we hadn't divorced?" she asks, and you consider it. Would things have been better? It didn't seem likely. But was divorce the only option left? Not really. It's hard to think about really. Perhaps the two of you would have ended on a much bitterer note if things had been different. But more bitter than divorce?

"I regret that that was our only solution ." you say, thinking over the past, something you sometimes avoided but mostly you stewed in the memories of the past.

"You still love me Gail?" she asks, and you can feel the vulnerability in her voice, the almost hidden desperation with which she asks that, and without skipping a beat, you move towards her and kiss her hard, her hands which was tangled in your hair now cupping your face

* * *

><p>After standing like a forlorn puppy long enough at the glass wall outside the coffee shop - you give up and decide to take a cab home. The minute you do get in the cab, you immediately pull out the papers and set them by your side, and inch as away as you can from them, pressing yourself against the door. You ignore the papers, looking through the window, eyeing all the people through the window as they rush past you. Maybe if you ignored the papers long enough it would disappear. Your thoughts are much more logical than that - and they are pounding in your head, all the plain statements stating the obvious consequences of all your very latest action and you're visibly squirming in your seat. You try and focus on other things, work, the precinct, Holly - nope can't do that anymore.<p>

You give up and close your eyes, sure enough you are so tired, and it doesn't take long for you to fall asleep.

It's quite a while till the taxi driver jerks yells at you to wake up, and you jerk - realizing you've reached Traci's house. You immediately check to see if the papers are still there and hey presto - there they are.

You throw back your head on the back of the seat, slowly learning that you were going to have to accept that today did actually happen.

_What did you just do._


	12. Just like Honey

_To make up for the excess morbid in the past few days._

_Oh Debby, my love. All you sweet sweet reviewers._

You're aimlessly browsing through random websites on your computer at the precinct when you suddenly notice Holly outside, talking with a few of the current rookies. This would have never happened five years ago, and all the rookies (as well as Chloe and Andy) are surprised with you for getting back together with Holly. You don't really care much for what they say - "Isn't it weird?", "Haven't you yelled at each other yet?" all of which you promptly ignore. People could think what they wanted, as long as you're happy - you aren't going to let that get in the way. You never did really care, but it's kind of annoying with all the rookies staring at you in awe. It's as if you were the most scandalous couple - you're sure the story sounds delicious with all it's frills as it goes around the precinct. It doesn't matter - and now with the Holly at the precinct, yep that's going to reach your parents soon.

She just marches into your room, slams the door closed and leans forward on your desk looking you right in the eye and you're on guard.

_Did I screw this up again already?_

"Know what day it is today?"

"...Thursday?"

Apparently that was the wrong answer because the next minute you're being dragged out of your little office by Holly, and all the rookies around you politely pretend to not notice.

* * *

><p>You're now sitting on this stone ledge on the roof of the forensics lab, <em>'the best I could do.' <em>as Holly had described. This was - strange, really. It's 4:33 in the evening on a surprisingly warm day. The floor of the roof is hard and rough, and are normally restricted to maintenance personnel. So, you're kind of wondering why she dragged you here, in the middle of your day at the precinct, to just sit on the roof and look at the blue sky? That seemed odd, rather. You look around a bit for her, wondering where she vanished to after bringing you here. To get something?To murder you? The latter seems a better possibility - given that the roof is quite isolated.

It's rather sunny and the winds' blowing through your hair, being this high up in the air. You turn around to see that Toronto does look good in the evening light. What are you doing here looking at it, you don't understand.

Finally she turns up with her forensic analysis kit, all packed.

"Are you finally going to murder me?" you yell out, thinking that there were better ways to kill you, atleast one that wasn't this spooky. She scoffs at that as she lugs over the bright red 'lunchbox' and to your surprise, pulls out two beers and hands you one.

_So that's what's in the kit._

"Dr. Stewart, I don't think we're supposed to drink on the job." you jibe as you open your bottle.

She just shrugs and says, "You're not the only ones with the rituals, Detective."

_Oh, it's today._

* * *

><p>Ethics and rules are all out the window and the two of you are really drunk in short time, damn those are some strong beers. Apparently Holly's 'ritual' consisted of sitting alone on the roof of the nearest building and drinking till she was drunk enough. She explains that this was usually done with her friends, and this year - you've been invited. Both of you are on the floor, leaning against the parapet wall, knocking back beer after beer. Part of the 'ritual' was that no one was allowed to say a word. After 5 drinks, you just look at each other and burst out laughing. You can't really understand what's so funny, but the scenario is so pleasant and nice and you're not allowed to say a word. In your twisted minds, it's hilarious.<p>

After fifteen minutes of endless bouts of almost manic laughter, you decide the moratorium on talking's lifted.

"Why the roof?" you ask, taking a sip of your beer. _Of all the places._

She's giving you this odd look, and you're a little drunk to recollect what ever happened on a roof.

"You've forgotten? We spent a whole summer sneaking up on to the roof at your parent's house?"

You remember that and burst out laughing._ Oh God._ She also starts laughing again.

"My parents actually thought you were tutoring me! You even brought those big books as if we were going to study."

She's laughing remembering those good old days that summer, when everything was so carefree, nothing to weigh you down. Everything was so hopeful then. Every evening was the same, where the two of you would go up to the roof in the guise of 'studying.' Very little studying took place of course, but those were the best evenings, with the sun slowly setting as you both had the time of your lives.

"You used to use them as pillows!" she snorts out, hitting you lightly with the bottle. It isn't really that funny - but when you're both drunk - it's freaking hilarious.

"Because you used to try and actually teach me!" you reply between your laughter. You're sure if anyone decided to pay a visit to the roof, they would be in for a surprise - with the Chief Medical Examiner and Head Homicide Detective drunk and laughing over every little thing.

"That was a good summer." you finally sigh, and she nods taking a sip from her beer.

"Why couldn't everyday just have been that summer all over again." you shake your head and ask, slowly sobering up a bit from all the laughter. She looks at you and shrugs and gets up to get another beer, you too stand up and notice it's quite late, the sun setting fast. Now leaning against the parapet wall, you're chugging down your beer, looking at the city and it's rather windy in the evening.

"You looked gorgeous today." you say, out of context but she seems to understand what you're referring to.

"You looked amazing walking down the aisle as well." she replies, remembering the day all over. It's a day that's vivid in your memory, but buried deep somewhere, a day which you soon learnt to forget after the divorce. She did look so gorgeous, after you saw her waiting for you at the altar, all you wanted to do was tear her clothes off her. You think back to today, many years ago, you were hopeful and naive, not as jaded as you are now. It does feel different, you can't deny that - but it's undeniably the best you've felt in a long time.

"What if it all goes wrong this time?" you ask, not really realizing that was a fear you actually had. That all this could repeat itself - as history so often does.

"We'll know we lead back to each other anyway? she states, and you realize that's the moral of all these years. No matter what, you both were inevitably going to be together. That really gives you so much hope, and your heart immediately feels lighter.

You've both finally finished all the beer Holly managed to swindle up here, and now the two of you are just randomly giggling looking at everything you find funny. Which is literally everything. She notices Traci stepping out of the building, and soon the two of you are back to playing this childish game you both used to prank with your whole family that summer, during those late dark evenings.

"YOO HOO TRACI!" she yells and as she's about to look up to find whoever did yell that, you both step back, doubling over in laughter, picturing Traci looking about in confusion.

This evening, this whole ritual with Holly, made you forget about your anxiety and all your worries. This evening was what you needed every day for the past five years, and you're loving every inch of it now. You've had missed having fun with your wife, who happened to be your best friend as well. You've missed this for too long.

_Here's to hoping that summer never ends._


	13. Everybody's gotta learn sometime

_I have no clue if this is how things work but do assume it does. Please. Please! I beg you please._

_Debby my love. And you reviewers. Oh my._

It's a slow afternoon, which you spend half doing routine paper work, half eating take-out. Normal, casual day one of the rookies nervously steps in. He's sweaty and red-faced, ready to fall to the floor at a word. You're being the nonchalant boss and continue rummaging through meaningless paperwork, not evening acknowledging him. Little Babyface would have to man up a lot before you actually started to respect him. He finally realizes you aren't going to look up till he actually begins talking, so he starts stuttering.

"I'd thought you'd like to know Dr. Stewart's been admitted to the hospital." he blurts out and hearing that you jerk up and look right at him.

"What!" you snap, immediately throwing all the paperwork aside, ready to march to the hospital.

"It isn't anything serious - a mild concussion - it happened at this crime scene this morning and -" the rest of Babyface's high pitched blabbering is lost in the ringing in your ears. You're about to grab your keys and rush out till a though strikes you, something that really guts you hard.

"Why am I being told this only now!" you lash out, as if Babyface knew the answer.

"I don't know - I - I thought you knew, but you seeing you here yo- you didn't seem to know so I thought I ought to tell you." he stammers, close to fainting. You're still sitting at your desk, feeling the blood drain from your face and you nod at him to leave the room. He gladly rushes out, but you're unable to move. It feels like something's pressing hard against you, not letting you move at all. It takes you roughly five minutes to process what just happened and for you to leave and to go to the hospital. With every step you take, you can feel the anger building in your nerves, and at the same time - you're convincing yourself that what you suspect is just your mind thinking its normal convoluted thoughts.

_She didn't. She couldn't have. Of course she didn't. _

But then reality is right here, right in your face. You reach the hospital, and a flash of your shiny badge gets the doctor telling you all the details. Holly wasn't that bad, just some throwing up and was being kept overnight for observation's sake. You really want to rush to Holly to make sure she's fine with your own eyes, but you're sure the moment you see her, you're going to ask the one question that has been hounding you for the past half hour on the drive here. After the doctor convinces you that she's fine, and your flashy badge gets him to hand over to you her file, you check the details of it with your very own eyes.

Finally, you make it to the room she's put up in, you're still drinking in what you just learnt.

You walk to the door, not daring to move any closer. Seeing her, she does seem pretty pale and tired - but she's awake and alive, and that's quite enough for now. She sees you leaning against the door frame, and she's looks terrified of what you're going to do. You're just biting your lower lip, a weird attempt to not blurt out the stupid question hounding your head. Eh what did it matter. You got your answer when you saw her file. It was a slap in the face, to say the least.

You see she's about to talk, probably apologize and beg for forgiveness, but that's not what you want. It's twisted - but for some reason you want to hear it from her, hear her answer this question.

"Why didn't I hear of this the minute you were admitted." you ask, softly, gritting your teeth, your fingers clutching the car keys in your hand tight.

"Gail I-"

_Oh God. She did._

"You - you took me off your emergency contact?" you clarify - and this surprisingly feels more hurtful than when she divorced you. This seemed more like spite really.

"It was a long time ago, and I was hurt and I wanted to just move on and this seemed an obvious choice-" she explains but all that you feel is someone sticking their hand down your throat and pulling your heart out.

"Who even thinks like that!" you cut in.

"I didn't want to hurt you Gail." she pleads with you.

"Well, Congratulations you have." you snap back, as cold as ever, turning around to step out for a while. The walls seemed to be closing in on you, and you can almost feel her falling back on the hospital bed in despair.

You stomp your way out of the hospital, pacing about on this little walkway outside, furiously. You don't really know who to blame. Just because you hadn't changed your emergency contact from her details, didn't mean she had to do the same. You can't blame her. But seeing her sister's name listed instead of yours really felt like a hard punch to the gut. These thoughts hadn't even struck you at all. For the first time, you truly understand the depth to which the word 'divorce' meant. It didn't just mean she wasn't your wife anymore - but more like you didn't care for her anymore - and you know that's a lie. And for the first time all these terrifying thoughts take over your brain and suffocate you.

_What if something had happened in those five years. What if you hadn't been there. What if you didn't even know what happened to her because you weren't listed as her stupid contact._

It makes you feel weak in the knees, really - all these thoughts. You just hadn't thought of it this way. Somewhere in your stupid head, you had assumed you would always be the first to know if anything were to happen. And realizing today that you weren't - drains the life out of you. You're sure if anything untoward had happened in those years, you would have never forgiven yourself.

It's late in the evening, and after sitting down a while after feeling too weak to pace about, you find some strength to get up and go back to her room. You stop and make a quick purchase before heading up back to her room. Silently stepping into the little room, you can see her sister's giving you weird looks, looks you completely ignore. She just huffs and leaves the room, loudly reminding the two of you that visiting hours would end in 10 minutes, as if to remind you that she would be the one keeping Holly company throughout the night, instead of you. You know she never truly approved you and was probably glad when the divorce came through. You've learnt to ignore her over the years, and you notice that Holly truly looks like she's going to break. You know she can see you're not as cold as you were in the evening, more concerned and anxious rather.

You slowly make your way to her bed, and she grabs ahold of you and hugs you tight as you try to sit down next to her. You know she was probably freaked out after today. Throwing up wasn't her favorite symptom.

"You came back." she softly whispers, scared that if she spoke any louder you might leave. She probably spent the whole time rambling over everything to her sister.

"Of course I did. You make a terrible patient." you remind her, kissing the top of her head as she inches closer to you. She was a terrific doctor, but a horrid patient - who just didn't seem to understand that she was human and couldn't override the whole system just because she knew all about it.

"I'm so sorry about the papers. I'm changing them the first thing tomorrow morning. I would have right now but the administrators' are available in the morning or something." she rambles, gesturing wildly that she was really desperate to switch the papers. God she talked a lot. Or a little with too many words plugged in.

"I'm sure you're supposed to be asleep right now, but of course you can't sleep because when have you ever done what the doctors told you to do."

"It's weird to sleep here." she huffs. Of course you knew that. Holly seemed to be wired to purposefully disregard every instruction any poor doctor gave her. Tell the woman to rest when she's had a cold, she would probably head out in the freezing weather to do an autopsy.

"I know. So I brought you your sick-time book." you reply, handing over the book you had just bought right before heading here. You never understood why it was Holly's favorite comfort book, but E.M. Forster's _A Room with A View_ was the only thing the brunette would read whenever she fell sick. You had gotten well acquainted with her worn-out copy of the book, and you felt you had to get it for her before leaving home. She takes it and places it aside on this side table and is still hugging you close. You know she doesn't want you to leave at all, she needed you - just as much as you want to be there for her. But the deed was done and you have to leave now. And you both were going to have to live with it – atleast for tonight. The Sister steps in again and you know it's time to leave.

You give her a gentle kiss and promise her you'll be here first thing in the morning and after clinging to her for a minute longer, you slowly leave - dragging your feet as you walk away from the room.

Sliding into your car after what feels like years, you remember the ring you threw in the glove compartment a long time ago - and you realize that only today did you learn the true meaning of everything you had thrown away along, with that ring.


	14. There is a light that never goes out

_Again, no idea if this is how things are done, but let's assume it does, please? Please, Please!_

_So So Sorry Debby, I liked your name a tad too much I suppose. Oops._

You're back at the hospital the next morning, ready to see her. You're sure that Holly's fine and that she would be mostly discharged this morning. Sure enough, when you go up to her room to see her, she's up and about - looking considerably better than she did when you last saw her. She does look quite tired, and annoyed. She's been forced to take a few days off work, and you know how much she hates that. You give her a quick hug and kiss, before settling into this uncomfortable chair and notice she's all packed and ready to leave home. She sits back on the bed, eager to get out of here.

"How was the night?" you ask, although you can see she already got through nearly half the book.

"Long. Hospital beds aren't as comfy as you think they would be." she jokes, trying to be as normal as she could, but you know she needs the rest.

"So, you're going home?"

"Yeah! Deb's going to be taking me home now." she explains, and you raise an eyebrow at that.

"Sleazeball?Really?"

She rolls her eyes at that, she knows how much you hate her sister. The only common ground the two of you shared was that you both cared about Holly. Deb was the personification of everything you hated, and she never really approved of you and Holly.

"Do I have a choice?"

"I could take you home." you offer, knowing very well how you feel about going back home. But you're doing these things without even thinking them through, yesterday was a shocker of a day, and you think that you have to prove yourself to her. You get it, yesterday wasn't either of your faults, but you remember how nervous she was about your reaction, and genuine glee when she saw you later in the evening. So, this is you, classically overcompensating in the hopes that things will be better again. You are doing your best to stuff down the uneasy feeling get at the thought of going back home.

"Gail -" Holly begins, in that tone where you know she's called you out on everything.

"What? I could!" you exclaim back, hoping that she agrees. Besides, you couldn't sleep much last night anyway. You knew exactly where you were supposed to be, and precisely why you weren't there - but that didn't make up for anything. You just want her to be yours again - but alas - things weren't that simple.

"Gail, I know how you feel about home. And I understand. " she explains, with that wild- gesturing way of hers. You had to fall for a dork who had the most adorable habits. Ugh.

"I don't want all this to force you to do anything you don't want to." she finishes, and you give up at that. She was right. As usual. One amongst the many problems the two of you had was both of your complete inability to take things one step at a time. It was either dive head-first into at it, or to run the hell away. Two approaches you've learnt over time that don't exactly work much.

You sigh at that, and you know she can see the defeat in your face. She stands up and comes over to you, sits down on your lap and you look up to see her tired yet gorgeous face.

"I promise I'll make it up to you about the papers yesterday." she softly whispers, running a finger along your jawline. Oh this feels so blissful.

You nod and give in, and she smiles a little before leaning in to press her lips against yours.

You hear a cough from the door, and you know precisely who it is. Holly breaks the kiss with a bashful smile and gets up from your lap. It's been so long since you've seen her blush that your eyes don't leave her for moment.

"Blondecop." you hear the sister state.

"Sleazeball." you throwback giving her one of your cold glares, eh you weren't married to her sister anymore. You didn't have to play nice.

"You see what you're dating?" Deb sighs, throwing her hands into the air.

"Unlike you - who just goes about blindly humping everything that moves." you smoothly retort, and that earns an angry glare from her. Not that you care.

Holly just groans, this was going to be a long morning.

It's half past one in the afternoon, you had work - but it could wait, for now. You had let Deb take Holly home, after which you had headed to precinct, except somewhere along the way of having a staring match with the glove compartment which you never cared for in the past, you're here, outside Holly's home - carrying bags of takeout. You should have though this through. Holly could be asleep now, you were probably going to choke if you tried to entering home again. After 30 seconds of contemplation and nervous waiting, finally the door opens.

"Gail?"

"I assumed Sleazeball would leave you alone for the afternoon." you reply - holding up the bags. She's still a bit skeptical about it all, half expecting you to hand over the bags and leave.

"And what about coming home again?" she asks.

"I think I can manage the living room just fine." you assure her, hoping she doesn't shoot you down again. Then again - you're not in the mood to take no for an answer. It's her turn to give in - and you step inside, pushing all your pestering thoughts to the deep dark corner of your mind.

"You sure?" she questions again, wondering if this was all actually happening.

"You know what? Right now - we aren't this jaded divorced couple. We're just Gail - and Holly. And with that in mind - we can certainly eat some food and watch some T.V."

_Wow, when did you start with all the pep talks._

She's impressed, shuts the door behind you and the two of you settle on the couch, armed with containers of takeout.

Soon - you're both back to the old groove, of watching lame shows, mocking and making fun of the characters on the television.

"What were you saying that night - about long walks on the beach?" you say, catching some random show's lead pair strolling on the shore, remembering that late night on the beach.

"Oh - it's all these shows. They keep proclaiming it as one of the rites of being a couple."

"Clearly - they haven't been on a beach at night."

"Ugh it's horrid. Cold and wet and sandy!" she replies, and you laugh at that.

"What else. What else?" you ask, putting down your own container, as she's still digging out of hers.

"Umm - Ooh skating at an Ice-rink." she says and you start giggling at that as well.

"We both know how that goes."

"It's supposed to be fun. But you kept falling flat on your ass."

"It's not fun! Not romantic. Next." you dismiss.

"Hmm Midnight subway ride."

"Unsafe. . Next."

The two of spend the rest of the afternoon and evening, joking and teasing - till you're both sleepy and by the time you finish watching the fifteenth episode of some mushy T.V. show, she's drowsy and half asleep on your shoulder.

"Oh, and this isn't romantic." you sarcastically chuckle, seeing her snuggle into your side.

"Shh. You're not supposed to say it - it ruins the moment." she sleepily replies, and you smile at that.

_Nothing could ruin this moment._


	15. Now I'm a fat, house cat

_Whoever who wrote the last review. Thanks for the idea._

_Debby - will you marry me? Or keeping this story in mind - divorce me?_

She's wrapped herself tight around you now, lying on her side, her chin resting on your shoulder, her hair falling over her face, her hand resting on your chest, feeling the rise and fall of your every breath. The T.V's still on in the background, muted but still playing something, you don't notice what really. You're too busy sitting as still as you can, you don't want to nudge at all and wake her up. She looks so peaceful and happy in her sleep, lightly breathing and shifting. This isn't exactly the most comfortable place to fall asleep - partially why you haven't fallen asleep. Also you want to revel in this moment. This precious moment, which you've yearned for for five years, to just have her by your side, using you as her pillow, to have her rhythmic breathing lull you to sleep, to have her arms around you, to know that she's still loves you - and needs you as badly as you need her. This peace of mind, this comforting silence, this feeling of being home at last. You've finally found it, and it's so soothing. How many long nights you tossed and turned in your bumpy bed, desperate for a minute like this to put you to sleep. And now you've found again - you don't want to waste it away on sleep.

Feeling her hand on your chest, you can't describe it really. It's just -bliss. You can make out the tender skin where the wedding ring was, and for the first time, the sight of it doesn't sadden you. All that's running through your mind is that she's here, and she's yours all over again. You gently thread your right hand through her left, and hold it close to you. All this is too dear to you, and you just want to remember every little detail of this moment. It doesn't take long for you to fall asleep though, after all that ache in your heart has dulled a bit.

* * *

><p>You stir awake; you don't know how long you've dozed off for. You see the T.V's off, and she's nowhere in sight. You sit up and gather your bearings, you were here at Holly's – making sure she was feeling alright and had fallen asleep on the couch watching reruns of <em>The O.C.<em> She was right there next to you when you had fallen asleep, and she probably woke up – turned off the T.V and gone upstairs to bed, leaving you all alone downstairs. You're getting the sleep out of your eyes when you notice a little post-it note stuck to the coffee-table.

You smile a bit seeing the note, Holly did love the little sticky things, probably had stacks of them somewhere. Never had she left you a post-it note though. They were used mostly for her books, journals and the like. You make out her sleepy handwriting on the note and chuckle. Holly, like all other stereotypical doctors, had a handwriting that only she could make out easily. You peel it off the coffee table and read it.

_Didn't want to wake you from your peaceful slumber. Come up to bed when you wake up._

You re-read the note once before stuffing it in your hand – and decide to sit on the couch for a while before heading up to bed. Just a minute till you can make it to her bedroom.

Sitting on the couch, your thoughts are back to attack you again. You remember feeling happy falling asleep, thinking of how you longed for this. The ache is back, that weight on your chest is back again, reminding you about – well everything. It isn't easy to throw away past many years and start over again, it isn't easy to let go of it all. You had all this once, and you had thrown it away – you didn't have any right to long for it now. Besides, it all went to hell the first time, and perhaps it is the classic case of Once bitten, Twice shy.

Was it the room reminding you of it all? Possibly, as utterly immature as it sounds, blaming the house seems the easy option out. But after all, it was reminding you of things you did. Actions you did, Bliss you discarded, happiness you once took so cheap.

It suddenly hurts you – how much you wanted this simple pleasure, why wasn't she there all those nights you wanted her so bad, why didn't she come to you, why she wasn't there. It feels you have to pay the price for your stupidity for a long time to come. It occurs to you that no matter how much you want this, didn't matter when you didn't deserve it all.

Yesterday – had been a strong jolt to you. It finally came to your notice that she had divorced you as much as you had her. You lost the right to think of her wishfully, she lost the idea of having you as someone she could rely on. It aches, that's all you can decipher.

You don't understand what's led you back all the way to here, but now that you're back here, you've learnt your lesson, all these little moments were more precious than you first thought them to be, and you don't want absolutely anything to ruin them, most importantly – yourself.

Remembering the little post-it note in your hand, you get up and make your way to her bedroom.

* * *

><p>You're terrified, to say the least, to wake her up or anything. But the sight of her asleep as always brings this soft smile to your face. She's tangled in the sheets, her soft breathing the only sound in the room. The clock on the bedside table flashes the time as 12:07a.m. Sticking a post-it on the clock, you silently make your way to the bed, push aside her wavy hair from her face and after seeing she's sound asleep, you bend to give her temple a gentle kiss and then softly step out of the room, slowly closing the door behind you.<p>

Making sure the living room is in order and clearing out the take-out containers, you tip-toe out of the house, securing the door behind you and deciding to drive back to your little apartment.

* * *

><p>The next day, when the alarm started ringing loud, Holly first noticed the post-it note on it before shutting it off. Taking it off the alarm, she read its content, and knew precisely what to make of it.<p>

_I'll be back in the evening, don't forget your meds and please do rest._

_Love, Gail._

It doesn't take Holly long to realize Gail never actually came to bed, and nor does it take long for her for to figure out why.


	16. Agree to disagree but disagreed upon

_98 follows. 98 people who have dared to read the Angsty Angst. I tip my imaginary hat to you all._

_Oh Debby, what joy there is in our divorce if our devils aren't sparring and longing for each other?_

It's a nervous drive back to her house the next day, you aren't sure why you're a bit fidgety at the thought of going back home. You're just going to be checking up on Holly - see if she's fine, keep her company and then - then what? The questions are looming ahead, and you're agitated, no doubt. This was much easier yesterday when you were trying to prove to Holly that you were there for her, now it was feels like you're acting on your own volition, and that hasn't always been a successful thing. What were you going to do._What were you going to do!_

_Ok, let's think this out one step at a time._

_Reach the front the door, ring the bell, wait till she opens the door, give her a kiss - wait._

Do you kiss her? You always kissed her when she opened the door for you - it wasn't much, just a quick peck, but now you're sweating at the thought of it. _Terrific._

Somewhere in the mindless driving, you had managed to reach home. You wish it wasn't this taxing to just get to her home, but you take it as some sort of price you must pay.

Soon, you get to the front door and ring the bell. You suddenly remember your hands were supposed to be carrying something. _Food!_ Somewhere in the twisted thoughts processes of your mind, you had forgotten the take-out. The minute she does open the door, you blurt out in surprise -

"I forgot the take-out."

She doesn't seem to mind much, just shrugs and suggests that she could just order in. She doesn't seem as carefree and happy as she was yesterday, almost droopy and blank. You don't really say anything as you settle on the couch, turning on the T.V and flipping anxiously through the channels.

_Who knew surfing T.V channels could be so nerve-wracking. _

By the time she's placed the order for some food, you've sunk low into the couch, seemingly deeply engrossed in some episode of _Castle_. Sure enough, she settles next to you on the couch, not saying a word. You don't even try to start a conversation, for all the nerves you've got right now.

And 25 minutes into the silence, save the dialog from the T.V you really wish the couch would go lower than this, so you could sink a little further. You're very aware of your own breathing, not paying any attention to the show. You know very well she's staring at you, and it's no surprise you've broken into a cold sweat. This is supposed to be spending time with someone you love, not someone giving you the third degree. You give up and mute the T.V and decide that you really couldn't take this lack of conversation any further.

'What?' you ask, turning to look at her for the first time since you sat on the couch. She's sitting at the edge of it, her arm propped on the side of the couch, head resting on her fingers.

She shakes her head and sighs, and you know that she's lying. You raise an eyebrow at that, she probably knows you've called her on that bluff.

"It's - I'm sorry."

You're confused at that, and you sit up and try to understand what was going on. Turning on your side to face her, your feet propped on the coffee table, ready for the barrage of muddled-up thoughts that were about to come.

"What - why are -"

"This is weird, and I don't know maybe I sort of forced you to come here now -"

"This isn't about that Hol." you tell her, and it's her turn to be surprised. Oh now you were going to have to talk.

"It's just." you stop short. You don't want to hurt her, at the same time, you really don't want to lie.

"What if we screw this up again." you explain to her, yep that was the simplest way to put it.

"I mean - I screwed this up when it was good, and now with the divorce and all that - chances are this isn't going to end well. And what if I do?"

You come off more scared than you actually are, the little cracks in your voice were something you hadn't expected at all.

"You don't think I'm terrified of that as well Gail? Clearly we aren't great at this." she replies, leaning against the back of the couch, effectively coming closer to you.

"At the end of it all, I don't want to lose you again." she confesses, and you finally realize that you're both equally horrible at this.

"So, we're both terrified of this going to hell again." you clarify - and she nods, sinking lower into the couch as you slowly move closer to her. She's looking at you with hurt and worry, and you're sure you've got a similar expression as well.

You slowly lean in and give her a soft kiss, as if to assure her, but you still have one more question to ask.

"What if it does?" you softly ask, your face inches away from hers, your eyes taking in every inch of her face, and you can make out she's turned on slightly.

"What if doesn't?" she replies, and before you can take it in, she's pressing her lips hard against yours, and soon, you're on your back on the couch, she's on top of you kissing you as you moan into her mouth. Your hands are sliding on her back, pulling her closer and you're sure things would have gone much further if it weren't for someone at the door.

She stops kissing you, and you're angry. For once could someone not interrupt you while you had a shot.

"Oh Come on!" you exclaim in annoyance, and she throws back her head in laughter. You suddenly feel so happy that she's cheerier that when you first saw her at the door, and isn't she utterly gorgeous when she's happy. You don't care about who's at the door, you just grab her face and start kissing her again, and you can feel her smiling, and it's so good. She finally pulls herself off you, and you're frowning like a five year old.

"It must be the food Gail. We'll continue this - upstairs." she softly tells you as she climbs off you to get the food.

_He ain't getting any tip._

Lying naked on your bed, your head on her chest, her fingers gently playing with your hair, this was something you've longed for for too long. You can feel her breathing right next to your ear, you're mindlessly running your finger along her skin, loving how you know precisely where to touch her to make her breath suddenly rise, loving how you know every inch of her. You're both basking in the afterglow, and it eases your mind that the silence isn't forced anymore.

"How do you even live here?" you ask, feeling too lazy to look at her as you talk.

"It's home Gail. It's where I would wait for you to come home." she rambles and you can hear the note of pain in her voice as she talks, it's enough to get you to turn your head and look her as she speaks, taking deep breaths as she does.

"Sometimes I would wish I could forget you, but otherwise - I would always think you would come home and be the adorable idiot you always were, and say something." she continues and it slight breaks your heart as you see her with this pained smile as she recounts it all.

"You look gorgeous." you tell her, not even caring that it makes sense. Her smile turns to a bashful one and she starts rambling yet again.

"My imagination is glorious sweetie, but you have no idea how sweeter sweet nothings sound when they come from you." she sighs and you're back to kissing her again.


	17. Well you're standing on my sternum

_I tip my hat to you as well then, 99. I believe Luce and I are on some short wavelength. Debby - Divorce me!_

_Dear me I waited too long to write this one. _

You're sitting here, an empty seat beside you - your hands folded across your chest and legs crossed, waiting impatiently for Holly to arrive. You were supposed to come to this thing together - but somehow work had delayed the two of you to awkward lengths, resulting in you arriving here first, waiting for her. This was rather awkward - given it was her cousin's wedding. Weddings aren't your favorite celebration - needless to say. And the whole set up is enervating enough, and with Holly who's going to be joining you soon, the two of you together here would be a rather interesting scenario.

_Did it have to be a wedding?_

You're turning your head here and there - filled with nerves. Any other situation would have been easy to tackle. Think of it - this isn't that hard. It's just a wedding - which is barely reminiscent of your own. You can feel the ice cold tips of your fingers, you're trying to calm yourself down, and not focus too much on things. Let the evening go where it must, no amount of nervousness was going to stop that from happening.

Blindly observing the other guests who are mulling around, engaging in long bouts of aggravating small talk, you're thinking of how different this sort of thing played out in your head whenever you thought of a scene like this in the past five years.

In your head, this was a scene you may have gone over a thousand times, a nightmarish fantasy you liked torturing yourself with before falling asleep. To the point where it feels like a memory - so vivid with details you had added over the years, just as painful every time you play this fragment of your imagination in your mind.

* * *

><p>You have no idea why you're here, were you invited to this? Did you come here to wish her luck with the second one? You have no idea. But you're sitting in a similar seat, except you're pretty drunk. You had to be - sitting through this ordeal drunk was hurtful enough let alone sober. And for some reason, you're alone. You're seated at one of the back rows, all alone - very near to tears. Your heart's in your mouth, and with every passing moment, this feeling of breathlessness is heightening. All the guests - faceless people dressed all pretty pass you by - muttering as they do. You know exactly what they're saying; some of those words do fall on your ears and over here, all these random words are piercing right through your chest. You don't understand why you don't just get up and go, you didn't have to sit here and put yourself through this - but some stupid part of your heart is forcing you to sit down and watch this. Feels like you've been tied up and gagged to witness this - but you know you're here on your own will. The alcohol has left you in a sort of daze, you can barely make out anything. You shake yourself and try to sober up - all these people with their pitiful words and their sorry glances at you, you pull yourself together and try to make sense of what's going on. No point forcing yourself here if you couldn't make out anything anyway. You're gripping the back of the bench in front of you tight, in the irrational belief that that was the only thing tying you to this wedding. Soon, blurred loud voices fall on your ears and you know the ceremony's begun. Surprisingly - the only thing you can make out in this ring of clear vision you have is Holly, standing near the aisle, gorgeous as ever, smiling ever so sweetly at the crowd. You can see she's bursting with nervous excitement, smiling so much, waiting for the bride to walk down the aisle. She doesn't even notice you sitting there at the back, probably the crowds have blocked her view. She isn't searching the audience for you, but all you can see is her. You're sure you're silently crying now, thankfully no one's noticing. Your heart is screaming, your head's begging you to just get up and walk away - but you're rooted to the spot. You ignore this figure in white walking down the aisle, this person that isn't you - stare at your feet and take it in.<p>

Your gaze never leaves her, and seeing her blushing and looking at glee at the bride as she walks down the aisle, kills you. You see her take this deep happy breath as the bride approaches her - and this was it. This was more than you could take. You sink your head low, your hands still clutching the back of the bench. If it weren't for that, you're sure you would have gotten up and rushed towards Holly, and kissed her - but you can't do that now can you? So here you are, grasping the bench tight, your head hanging in defeat. You just want someone to drag you out now, but again, you're all alone.

* * *

><p>Going over that in your head, you grasp her hand which is now linked with yours a little tighter. She's nervous as well - you can make that out. Her knee's shaking; her thumb running over the top of your hand is rough patterns, obviously trying to swallow her agitation. You're just as bad – sitting stoic and staring at Holly's cousin and his bride as the ceremony goes on. You realize that life wasn't that cruel that you had to actually witness your daydream - she's sitting right here next to you - her hand in yours. You're grateful that things weren't as terrible as you dreamed them out to be. In fact it wasn't terrible at all. You immediately wish you hadn't turned up to this ceremony - you would have preferred sneaking off to some lonely corner of this building with her. That would most certainly be better than this drone couple are winding on and on and on with their vows - which has long crossed the point of adorable and is now well in the area of infuriating and sickening. You've tuned them out of course, but that doesn't help much anyway. This isn't an easy situation for either of you - and perhaps you could do something to take her mind of the obvious thoughts running through both your minds.<p>

"Our wedding was better right?" you whisper, leaning towards her. She softly chuckles, and you can see her nerves have died down a bit.

"Totally." she replies with a little laugh. This tiny ruckus earns the two of you a stern glance from this old lady who's sitting next to her, and you both immediately shut up. But not for long.

"Who's the prettiest girl in the room here?" she whispers in your ear now, and you groan. Some deals aren't that easy to forget.

"You're never going to let that go are you?" you sigh in defeat. This wasn't one of your favorite stories - obviously. You did come off as an inconsiderate jerk in this tale.

"Nope. You promised forever." she says in this singsong voice and you roll your eyes at that.

"I wasn't expecting you to burst into tears!" you argue, not caring for the old lady's reproachful glances anymore.

"You called me a matchstick with glasses walking on stilts! That wasn't exactly a compliment!" she replies in a stern voice.

"It was Steve's idea! I did it for the money!" you explain - but you know pretty well she isn't going to buy it.

The story was pretty simple - you were an idiot in high school, your brother an even bigger idiot. You wanted the money and Steve's challenge was pretty simple. 50 bucks if you could yell _that_out in the school hallway. And you had agreed. Afterall you had noticed Holly before in school - students did normally tease her - but she always brushed it off. So you agreed. Things hadn't gone to plan though, you had found Holly in one of the empty classrooms , sobbing quietly. You had spent the whole afternoon apologizing and promising her that you didn't think that at all. You had promised her every single thing that had come to mind, thus promising to forever tell her that she was the prettiest girl ever. Not exactly a fairy-tale - but it's where it all started.

"I didn't really think I'd cry either. But it had been a horrid day and you with your stupid deal was the last straw." she elaborates and you nod, knowing this was one argument you could never win.

"You're the prettiest girl in the room." you concede in defeat, and she's beaming with joy. You never understood what it was that made her so happy - the joy of being told she was pretty or winning this round - you never know.

She's laughing, and leans over to give you a little kiss on your cheek, but you turn you at the right moment so that she kisses your lips.

In this little bubble, nothing could really get to you two.


	18. Someone come and save my life

_Do I make sense anymore, No? Okay._

_But what about the angst Debby? Don't throw the angst all away, sweet Debby._

You're summing up the criminal through the one-way glass of the interrogation room, bracing yourself for what you were about to face. This guy was notorious for his habit of getting under people's skin and staying there, famous for his ability to look through people as if they were glass, and call them out on their weak spots and completely unnerve anyone who asked him questions he didn't want to answer. Well, you're head detective - and this is your first freak - so you're preparing yourself for what's going to come. Chloe and the rest of the department's here - to see this guy and see how you keep up to it. Apparently according to most of the department - you were the obvious candidate to interrogate this guy - cold and detached from everything that's ever happened to you over the years - and everyone's sickeningly excited to see this morbid face-off between the two of you.

_And I'm the freak here._

You decide that you've had time enough to prepare for this and give Chloe a sharp nod before stepping into the interrogation room. You've made sure that your ice-cold glare is in place, and you've mentally shielded yourself from every possible thing this guy could throw at you - and the most important thing - to not react and give anything away.

"Good morning, Detective." his voice echoes a bit as you sit down opposite this guy handcuffed to the chair. Unsurprisingly, there is absolutely nothing that gives away that he's a cold blooded killer.

"So, Kurt - you going to tell me how you ended up killing your wife and sister?" you calmly ask, better to batter him from the beginning, before he has a chance to get to you.

He doesn't say a word, he's just silently reading you. You're sitting as still as you can, your face completely under control, making sure you don't do as much as take a deep breath because you know pretty well that's all it takes. You've got to be as casual as you can.

He leans forward and almost sniffing like a dog and you can see he's struggling to find something to say, something that he can hit you hard with, but he's struggling. You're pleased and smiling this half smile at him. Finally years of being deemed a distant cold hearted bitch has paid off - in the odd way it has. You raise an eyebrow at him, expecting him to give in and just plead guilty.

"You're married, aren't you detective?" he smirks and you're suddenly on guard. Before you can shift your left hand - he catches a glimpse of it.

"Oh, were married. My bad." he leans back, pleased with himself and for some reason you can feel this urge to breathe faster.

"She was probably your highschool sweetheart whom you married and then realized the love wasn't as sweet as society boasted it to be." he elucidates, it's taking all your will to just sit down.

"You're becoming defensive at the mention of it," - he continues and you realize that's true - your breathing has increased and you probably moved forward, even if it was the slightest movement you ever made - the bugger noticed it.

"Which means you're either still in love with her," he rambles on - and you're quite close to getting up and strangling this ass. You needn't listen to this freak dissect your marriage here.

"No wait, you're giving it another try." he theorizes, as if trying to piece you together. That's it you aren't going to let him win. This just turned personal, and you aren't leaving here till this guy confesses.

"Detective, I would have expected better of you - surely you don't think that's going to work." he smugly grins - and you can hear a knock on the glass, probably Chloe to tell you that you could continue this later. You know better - you know if Kurt caught wind that he had won this round - he was never going to confess.

You compose yourself as discreetly as you can, you can see that he thinks he's won and you've given up.  
><em>Not this time punk.<em>

"That doesn't faze me, Kurt. At least not as bad as mentioning your sister to you disturbs you." you coolly reply, though you're sure your body language spelt otherwise - and you see the anger in his face, but he continues playing his card anyway.

"You see detective - I'm just as disappointed with society and its pathetic standards as you are - me more so than you." he reasons, and you know precisely what he's trying to do. He's trying to get you to empathize with him, thus making his crime forgivable. The fact that he's trying to equate you to him almost unnerves you - until you realize that he's desperate - thus going for the sympathy card. You aren't going to let him win now.

You don't react at all, and you can see he's close to giving up. He justcollects himself and with an almost emotionless expression looks at you.

"You're good detective, real good. We would have made a brilliant team." he finishes, and that's the last thing he says. You've finally broken the guy - but you still don't have enough to nab him.

After twenty minutes of grueling questions - none of which he answers - you decide it's actually time to give up. You're pretty riled up and stamp out of the interrogation room - rushing right into the hoard of officers who were witnessing the scene. They're all looking at you in awe - and right now you can't deal with that.

"Get him a polygraph." you spit out to Chloe and make your way out of there. You may have come off as cold as ever - but Kurt's little mind game had done more to you than you had expected. You hadn't thought the guy would play the marriage card as blatantly as he did - and the casual way he had thrown it in your face has admittedly shaken you up.

* * *

><p>You burst into Holly's office, too agitated to even greet her puny assistant outside. You want to see her - and get this stupid freak's words right out of your head.<p>

Holly's engrossed in a few notes when you storm in, and the minute you do she knows you're not yourself. She gets up the minute you stumble in, and is already rushing to your side.

"Is this working?" you blurt out - yep - that was where Kurt really hit you, and it had taken more than the strength you had to not punch him in the face when he said that.

"Gail - what did he say?" she soothingly asks, hoping to get you to calm down but it's not working.

"Is this working? Is this?"

"Gail - calm down. It's just what he said."

You don't notice you're hyperventilating until you see she's rubbing her hand up and down your back, getting you to breathe properly. You're sort of embarrassed at the turn of things, but again - exceedingly nervous about it all. You've curled up into her and she's holding you close.

"He sounds terrible, how did you deal with him." Holly sighs, trying to reduce your nerves, and after you've calmed down, it seems to work.

"Now tell me again, what do you want to know?"

"This is working, right?" you ask, hoping she knows what you're referring to.

"How did the conversation go there?" she asks in surprise, you were going to have to recount this tale again properly to her from the beginning but now you just want to hear what you want to hear.

"Hol!"

"It's working Gail. It's working - okay? Don't let some mind freak murderer tell you otherwise."

"This shouldn't have gotten me so wound up - but then the bastard passed the polygraph test." you explain - realizing how really awkward this was. But you couldn't help it. He had really freaked you out.

"That's no big shocker Gail, he's a sociopath. Polygraphs would be a breeze for him." Holly explains and you jerk up at that.

_Of course._

"You still don't have evidence to nab him Gail." Holly gently reminds you.

"At least we don't have evidence that says he didn't do it." you reply, also thinking that perhaps your outburst was a little unnecessary.

"He did suggest we would make a great team." you muse, and Holly's back to reminding you that you're a sweetheart and having this cold facade didn't make you a heartless person.

It's nice to have someone to comfort you after it all.


	19. Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies

_How optimistic of you Debby, how optimistic indeed._

Lying on your bed is comfy enough, you stubbornly resolve. If only you get Holly to decide to give the Police Ball a miss and stay home, instead of turning up. But you can see her getting dressed out of the corner of your eye - perhaps you could try the more immature way to get her to stay home with you.

"I feel sick." you moan, and wish you had picked a better excuse to deceive a doctor.

"Really." comes her sarcastic reply. You really should put more thought into these escape plans hence forth.

"Must we go?" you pout, you don't want to get up from the bed for anything, least of all to dress up and spend a whole evening with a hoard of police officers and their boring tales.

"Yes, we must." is apparently reason enough for you, according to Holly. There are plenty of reasons you could give - you hadn't turned up to this event for the past three years, this was the day you especially had a hate/love relationship with for the past 5 years, love because this was one of the few occasions you got to see her - hate because of the dates she would bring along, the very fact that the two of you absolutely detest this kind of a gathering - you could go on.

"Elaine will be there." you remind her, that doesn't faze her. Why would it.

"Then we can say hi." she replies, wearing her contacts and you huff at that, vaguely remembering some 'Holly was the daughter I never had' joke your mother had cracked at you.

_Well, I'm not budging from this bed._

That doesn't matter at all, because the next minute Holly's right there, dragging you by the arm - almost begging you to get dressed.

"That isn't how this works." you frown, trying to not move, but then again - Holly's freakishly strong.

"I'm not going to proffer sex." Holly declares, and your heart sinks a little_. Well, if it's not proffered, I'll be taking it. _So you pull her by the arm, effectively making her fall on the bed.

"Then we aren't going." you declare as well, as she falls beside you - she's lost, you know Holly knows that as well.

"You win Gail. We'll have sex everywhere you want if you could just please get dressed and come with me to the lame Police Ball?"

"Why - I thought you'd never ask." you smile, seeing Holly's reaction of fake exasperation.

"You're lucky I love you." Holly whispers as she gives you a little kiss, before climbing off the bed and heading out of the room.

_Looks like it's my turn to get dressed for this._

You've quickly thrown on the ceremonial uniform, all fitted with its little badges - when Holly steps back in - a little out of breath and utterly confused.

"Should I wear the ring?" she asks, and for a minute you don't even understand what ring she's referring to. _The wedding ring, genius._

Your eyes have grown wide with surprise, this wasn't a conversation you had planned for right now - never was more the right answer. You're staring back at her, stunned and searching your brain for the words.

"Do you want to wear the ring?" you ask her, not really sure where this talk was headed.

"As you said, your mother will be there." she states slowly - and you don't really understand what the big deal was. Elaine wasn't going to say anything if Holly did or didn't wear her ring. Elaine was more for the obvious details.

"I'm sure she won't notice at all, Hol." you reason out, but she still seems unconvinced.

"You sure?"

"Even if she does, I don't see how that makes any difference." you explain, but she's still not satisfied. After an internal debate of roughly five minutes - she decides the best thing to do would be to carry the ring - and decide later whether to wear it or not.

"You've got yours too right?" she asks before locking up the front door as you both head to your car. _Sure, I've still got mine._

"It must be around somewhere." you mutter, walking to the car.

"You still haven't taken it out of the glove box?!" Holly exclaims and you groan. Of course she knew that.

* * *

><p>One more time someone comes up and asks <em>When's the wedding<em>, or claim they can hear the wedding bells again - you're going to punch them right in the nose. Yep, that seemed fitting indeed. It's astonishing how many police officers come up to you both and inquire about that. 17 officers -

all of whom should have ended up with black eyes and bloody noses if it weren't for Holly gripping your hand tighter everytime you felt the urge to jab one of these self-righteous idiots. It's really infuriating, especially since they see it as their right.

"You'd think they'd applaud you for breaking the sociopath case." Holly mutters under her breath before the next nosy idiot steps up to you.

You'd rather not think about the whole Kurt episode - and focus on getting through tonight without strangling someone to death.

"Gail!" you hear a familiar voice call, and you immediately brace yourself for the onslaught of ice that was about to come.

"Elaine." you reply - plastering a plastic smile on your face with the hope that no more questions would be asked.

"Oh, Holly dear, you're here as well. Finally friends again I can safely assume?" Elaine coolly asks, and you know that she probably knew about Holly and you beforehand.

"No mother, we're still pulling each other's pigtails and pushing each other off the swing set."

"So, when's the wedding Holly?" she asks, completely ignoring you and Holly's giving the unsure look she's been giving the whole evening and explains that you were both taking it slow.

Elaine was the last straw._And I can handle sociopaths._

"I would have worn my ring just to shut these people up."you whisper in Holly's ear and she just chuckles.

"Then you would have to deal with questions about the second wedding." she replies and you nod in defeat. There was no shutting this lot up.

"Let's get out of here." you declare, pulling Holly out of the room, half-bumping into the next officer on his way to inquire about the two of you.

"Gail." she admonishes, but you can see she's dying to get out of here as well.

"We're the scandalous couple here anyway." you reply, rushing out of the room, taking her with you.

"Where do we go?"

_Anywhere but here._

* * *

><p><em>Who knew this was actually nice.<em>

You're both sitting on the hood of your car, in a lonely place Holly described as "the place teenagers would come to have fun." You had just replied that you could arrest them anyway.

Besides it is a glorious little spot you had found on one of your long drives, over-looking the city and utterly peaceful, which Holly again described as "The place where a drug deal would go down." and you had to explain that you could lock them up anyway.

After Holly's done openly voicing her every fear about this place, silence takes over and you're just staring at the lit-up silence of the night really gives you a chance to ponder on the evening you had just had - fiddling with the ring you had picked up as you got out of the car. After roughly four years, you were finally gripping the little piece of metal.

"Stupid officers and their idiot questions." Holly curses and you laugh.

"What do those asses know about our marriage anyway" you join with her, and she nods.

"We aren't going to let those jerks make us do anything, we're going to get married when we want to." she reasons and an odd idea hits you.

"Get your ring."

"What?"

You just take your ring and without another word - fling it into the darkness ahead of you.

"Are you insane!" she yells and you laugh at that.

"Come on Hol - you said it yourself. We shouldn't let them decide what to do. Besides - why are we holding on to those rings - they're just reminders of what we failed at miserably." you rant - and in the faint light of the night sky - you can make out her looking at own ring with slight apprehension.

"We can get ourselves new rings when we want to Hol." you urge her - and before you can finish - she's already hurled her ring into the darkness.

It feels freeing and so relieving - you're both just filled with sheer exhilaration. You're both finally where you want to be - carefree and in love.

You're both laughing so hard in relief and full of hope under the starry night.

"So, can we have the sex you so generously offered." you begin - and she just scoffs at that.

"I'm not getting arrested for indecent exposure here." she replies, sliding off the hood of the car, getting ready to get back in - waiting for you to join her and get back home.

_Home it is then._

~The End.~


	20. On the Tunnel of Love

**_This is my personal ending for Memoria - if you identify as the Shiny Happy Gang - please don't read on. The story is just as complete as it was last chapter. As far as you are concerned - Gail and Holly are living together - rebuilding life again._**

**_This is specifically NOT for dnp2013 aeee5791 mimitash and probably 'Guest Chapter#'. (You've got the happy ending )_**

**_Dear 'Guest' reviewer - your little wish is fulfilled here - if you dare read on._**

**_Dear joj14 - this is The End. *evil laughter*._**

**_I assume the only two people reading this are Luce and Debby - both out of sheer curiosity I suppose._**

**_Debby - I suppose this is goodbye for now. Luce - YES I studied hush._**

**_This is my ending to this story - this is how I envisioned it ending - and if you really doubt my penchant for morbidness - Have you forgotten the first chapter of this?_**

**_I suggest you stop reading here._**

To clarify - Set chronologically after the previous chapter.

* * *

><p>Back where it all started, you think - seeing her laugh and take a sip of her coffee. This place hasn't changed much in three years, surprisingly. Sure a few minor details but if you try hard enough - it feels like exactly nothing has changed. The kind old coffee-shop owner still gives you a wink as she sets down your second plate of doughnuts and tops off your coffee - while Holly rambles away about work.<p>

It's awkward - sitting and having a chat with an ex. The two of you are trying to obviously avoid topics that would make this conversation heavy - but talking seamless trivialities - jumping from one topic to another - it's rather insulting. Then again, what's the point of going over everything anyway - you did everything you could - racking it all again would just scour this little rendezvous - and you don't want to do that.

It's a sort of feeling of defeat you feel talking to her, you love her - but there was nothing more you could do. You had given this relationship everything you could - and if it still didn't work – you really had no choice but to surrender and accept that. But all over again - going through it all over again - the second time a tad more mature than the first - it's a hard fact to swallow. What you wouldn't give to just be happy with her. But again - you know where that would end. You both know precisely where it will end.

That knowledge doesn't make this any easier to swallow. How had Holly put it? _Two puzzle pieces which no matter how hard we try - are just not going to fit. _At first it was infuriating, followed by desperation and finally topped off with absolute surrender. An assorted cocktail of emotions that you've learnt over time - you've just got to get used to.

_Guess I had always seen this coming._

You can't bear it anymore, this mindless talk that never grazes the surface, this forcefully eased conversation. You've gritted your teeth and sat through thus far, you give up and decide to talk, heart to heart - use something as a sort of balm for your wounded heart.

"Was I supposed to just let you go?" you ask, not caring to explain. She knows precisely what you're referring to you. She's gripping her coffee mug with both her hands as you shoot her a pained glance, and you can see the change in her emotion so carefully. You know her so well, you know every inch of her being and you're angry at the universe that you both aren't just meant to be.

"Time won't change us Gail." she replies, carefully setting down the coffee - and you note the way her voice has become so sober and sad. This wasn't easy at all for the two of you - coming to the conclusion that you were both insanely in love with each other - but so wrong for each other at the same time.

_I will still hold on hope. _

"I love you." you muse and then pause a bit as you see her eyes glistening and then continue. "I'm just frustrated, that wasn't how things were supposed to end with us." you shake your head and grip your own coffee mug harder.

"How long could we have kept that up?" she softly asks you and it hurts that you don't have an answer for that very question.

"How long do you think we could have kept lying to ourselves." she rambles on - and for some reason today - you're noticing every little action of hers with extra care. It's all the more painful.

But it's a sort of sweet pain, not the gripping angst that you would run away from. This is more of a pain you've longed for - as long as you get to spend some time with her. That was the main aim of you sitting through this - on this day. A day 8 years ago you decided in a rush to sign away someone you needed a little longer. You had spent many days wondering why didn't anything stop you that day. Why hadn't there been some sort of a signal - a massive snow storm, why didn't the skies fall down and just stopped the two of you on that fucking day - make you both take a step back and revaluate priorities and all that poetic justice thing that happened in the movies.

Sitting here opposite to her, in this haven of a coffee-shop she for the first time dragged you to many many years ago - you realize that perhaps the universe _not_ intruding and _not_ giving signal should have been a sign. That maybe somethings just don't work - no matter how bad you want them to. It still echoes in your ears a bit - words you wished weren't true - but words you can't deny were true.

_So what do we do Hol?_

_Lie, Gail._

_Lie?_

_Ugh, but that isn't working anymore._

_So what am I still doing back here, Hol?_

You come back to reality and notice it's quite late - and you've both got lives to get on with, with or without each other. You don't mind the silence as you gobble down the rest of the doughnuts and the coffee - knowing she's watching you just as carefully as you were noticing her.

It takes a lot of restraint to not throw it all away, to not say to Hell with it all, and just climb over this table and kiss her- have her for yourself, continue this viscous circle no matter how pointless it gets. It's one of the most painful things you've ever done.

Finally - you've finished eating and after paying the bill, you're both still sitting there, in your little booth – wishing that for once the world would stop. Neither of you want to leave - you've waited for this meeting for quite some time now - and even if there's nothing to say - it's still something - something that soothes the two of you.

After what feels like ages, finally - you both slowly make your way to the door - doing all you can to just lengthen this little meeting.

Stepping outside, the bustle of the outside world hits the two of you right in the face. Also the fact that this was slowly yet inevitably ending. You turn to see her, before you think it's time to leave - and seeing her biting her lower lip in anguish, the tears welling in her eyes, you can't stop yourself as she pulls you in for a hug.

Holding on to her as tight as you can, it's all you can do to make sure your own tears don't roll down your face. Who knew the world was crueler than your imagination after all.

"And now this is where we say goodbye?" she questions in your ear, her voice slightly breaking as she does and you grip her tighter as you hear her.

"Till next year?" she asks, and you nod in agreement, not loosening your grip on her even for a second.

"Yeah, till next year." you reassure her and she nods, she breaks the hug and gives you this broken smile before turning around and walking away.

You can't really do anything more - so you turn the opposite way and walk towards your car.


End file.
